Managing Your Sexual Fetish for Couples

He blurted out to me across the phone lines, “I want my wife to have sex with other men in front of me!”  That is how the conversation started between my new client Tom and I.  We talked on the phone for our 80-minute session, him being in New York and me in Sothern California while I got his sex history and more details about his current situation.  Being a clinical sexologist these are issues that I deal with on a regular basis. Tom being very serious goes on to say that he also wants his wife to dominate him sexually while he is made to watch other men please his wife.  He is open to humiliation as well as being flogged and made to get the other guy hard and ready to have sex with his wife.  As we speak, he continues to be so focused on his fetish that he has convinced himself that his wife truly desires it herself, but she is simply too shy to try it out. In our next session one week later we talk more about his fetish and his relationship with his wife, whom he has been married to for 8 years.   As I dig deeper into his sexual history and his relationship with his wife he reveals to me that he is having problems getting and maintaining an erection, and is not able to have intercourse with his wife, but pleases her in other ways.   This is something that has been going on throughout their marriage.

As we talk more about his sex history he also reveals to me that in his mid-twenties before meeting his wife he had a girlfriend that cheated on him for this same reason of having erectile dysfunction.  He stated that when he found out she cheated on him he was initially very hurt but then it became a turn on for him thinking about her with other men.  He then encouraged her to seek out other men for sex and then to come home and tell him about it after.  She did this for a few months but in the end she fell in love with one of the men and left him.  After that relationship ended he continued to watch porn delving deeper into his sexual fetish of cuckolding. A few years later he met his current wife.  He said that his wife was very sweet and had an open mind when it came to sex but he kept his fetish to himself for the first few years of their marriage and continued to watch cuckolding porn until his wife started questing his lack of sexual desire towards her.  At that point he told his wife about his fetish and they began to use that fantasy when engaging in sex and the frequency of sex with his wife improved.  Tom explained to me after that she enjoyed him talking about the fantasy but he started to get bored with just that and began to push her to try it out for real.   She told him that she was not interested in doing that, but he felt that if she just tried it she would love it.  This led him to believe that she indeed wanted to have sex with another guy, but needed to be pushed a little more into it, this went on for a few years until she started to get angry and did not want to have sex very often, that is when he decided to call me for counseling. 

As the counseling sessions continued with Tom he was planning on surprising his wife with a man when she came home and wanted to know if this was a good idea, to get her interested in having sex again.  I explained to him that he was on very shaky ground and we needed to evaluate what was fantasy and what was a real life situation.  As I began to explain to him that his fetish had become so familiar to him and ingrained in his mind that he was now projecting those feeling onto his wife.  When I asked him to share some of her responses with him, he said that she would say things like, “Why would you want me to have sex with other men?”, and “Is there something wrong with me?”, “Do you really love me, because if you did how could you see me have sex with another man?”  After going over her responses with him I got him to understand that perhaps he was projecting more onto his wife then he wanted to believe.   I suggested that she get involved in our counseling sessions so that the three of us could work together on improving the intimacy and their sex lives.  He agreed.  I worked with Tom and his wife and we were able to compromise as well as make their sex life more exciting for him by adding in role play, domination, and sex toys.  She was very open and wanted to be intimate with her husband but felt as though he was pushing her to have sex with other men and that was not something that she wanted to do.

She was open to my suggestions and had a sense of adventure, she was more than happy to expand her erotic boundaries and find new ways to have fun in the bedroom.  As Tom and his wife tried new positons and role play Tom was more satisfied with his sex life and not pushing his wife to bring another man into the bedroom.  He really enjoyed the new role play of her dominating him and it helped him to relax during sex and made it possible for him to achieve an erection and to enjoy intercourse.  His wife found much pleasure in dominating him as well.  He still watched porn on cuckolding but only once a week instead of everyday.

When a person has a sexual fetish it is a part of their sexuality and not something that a person can change about themselves.  What I help couples with is a way to manage their fetish and incorporate it into their relationship.  Trying to eliminate the fetish has proven to be unsuccessful.  The idea of managing a fetish is ultimately the best path to take but often has challenges with it.  Managing a fetish takes work as well as a commitment to change some behaviors that can lead to hurting their relationship.  Harm reduction in the relationship is the best possible solution to managing a sexual fetish and still being able to function sexually.

Some sexual fetishes can involve a sexual turn on that the other person in the relationship may not find attractive.  Case in point:  Scott came to me for help with his farting and pooping fetish.  He had only been married to his wife for 5 years and they had one child and another on the way.  He was very into farting and wanted his wife to fart on him.  He also got turned on by watching her poop and was fascinated at watching it come out.  It really turned him on but he knew that it did not turn his wife on at all.  Other than the sexual fetish being a problem in the marriage they had a great marriage.  As I talked to Scott about his fetish I also talked to his wife Melinda about it as well trying to have her understand his fascination with pooping and arousal.  I compared it to their 2-year-old son who was also fascinated by his poop as most 2 year olds are.  Once she was able to make some kind of connection she began to feel less disgusted with her husband and more open to him at least taking about it with her.  As we continued to work on the management of the sexual fetish she became open to farting on him and him being allowed to talk about his fantasy with her in more detail.  He also was not watching poop porn everyday but only once a week with his wife’s approval instead of hiding it from her.  She was not interested in pooping on him but by allowing him to talk about it he was able to get aroused during sex.

I urged them to continue to use fantasy and to have open communication about his sexual fetish and check back in with me from time to time.  As he is not able to stop his pooping fetish, he can change his behavior to manage it and compromise with his wife.  As some fetishes are more challenging than others time will tell if this couple will be able to work through this one.

For help with managing your fetish you can visit Dr. Dawn Michael at www.thehappyspouse.com

Maintenance Sex Is Crucial To Your Wellbeing

Maintaining optimal health in all areas of your life will have a direct impact on your overall wellbeing.  Most people will agree that maintaining your weight, your appearance, overall health, and even promoting healthy relationships is crucial to a healthy lifestyle.   

When a person is in a long term relationship it is crucial to maintain a healthy sex life that both people enjoy.  Not only is maintenance sex healthy for the relationship but it is also healthy for the body and the mind.  Having regular orgasms can regulate hormones, strength PC muscles, relieves stress and bring a couple closer together by sharing deeper intimacy.  Maintenance sex should not be confused with duty sex or have a negative stigma attached to it.  Over all optimal maintenance sex should involve both people having an orgasm and enjoyment of the experience.

For men their bodies adjust to a pattern of sexual release, if they are not climaxing with their partner then most men will masturbate to keep that sexual routine going.  If a man suddenly changes his sexual routine to limited climaxing, then he may feel a decrease in desire and even lower testosterone levels over time.  Having maintenance sex is one way to elevate this as well as provide optimal health.

For women having maintenance sex with orgasm, can help to strengthen PC muscles, regulate her hormones and have a positive effect on her desire.  When having an orgasm, powerful hormones are released that help to relieve stress as well as temporary pain relief.  In some women with chronic UTI maintain sex 3 times a week can help lessen chronic UTI from happening, as the body becomes used to the bacteria and is less likely to be affected by it, referred to as Honeymoon cystitis. 

Maintenance sex should be placed in the category of optimal health benefits and be enjoyed from that same perspective.  One thing for sure, those couples that do have maintenance sex reported a closer intimate relationship with their spouse as well as less fighting over the little things.

Intimacy counseling for you!  Visit www.thehappyspouse.com to set up your appointment today!

Results to Sex Survey for Married Men

The survey was designed to dispel some myths about men, marriage, sex and the use of pornography.  

As a clinical sexologist in private practice, I experience an overwhelming number of married couples seeking help concerning pornography use.   As part of the counseling session each person is given a sex history to fill out.  The results are reveling as to how pornography plays a role in a man’s sex life.  As a sex researcher as well as counselor I like to add extra data that I obtain from surveys.  

One survey I put out a few months ago and asked 16 questions to married men about their sex lives.  the survey was titled, "Sex Survey For Married Men".   100 plus men answered the questions,.  Here is the link to the survey to view for yourself.  https://www.surveymonkey.com/results/SM-3PZRFJGT/

Conclusion:

The average age of the men that took the survey was 34% between the ages 40-50 and 28% between the ages 51-60 and some varied ages in between.  Most men had been married for an average of 26 years plus tied with men married from 1-5 years.   More than half of the men had children with their spouses.  When I asked men if they had watched pornography before marriage 87% said yes.  When asked on average how often men masturbated 24% said a few times a month, 21% said every day, 18% said 3 times a week.  When asked if the men have had an affair 37% said yes and 12% said they were thinking about it. 

When asked this question, “If I could change one thing about my sex life it would be”

– Sex more often	22.00%
– More exciting sex	25.00%
– Sex with other people	21.00%
– No sex	0.00%
– My wife initiated more often	21.00%
– I would have no performance issues	11.00%

When asked this questions, “If your wife saw you watching porn what would you hope she did?

– Leave me alone	10.78%
– Sit and watch it with me	47.06%
– Have sex with me instead of watching porn	34.31%
– I would be embarrassed	7.84%

My conclusion of the survey along with information gathered by both men and women. I would summarize that most men had watched pornography before marriage which became a part of their sexual pattern.  They masturbated on average 3 times or more a week.  Men reported that they would rather watch porn with their wives or have sex with their wives instead of watching porn alone, but when asked if they had more sex with their wives would they stop watching porn?  46% said that they would still watch porn.  What I concluded was that if sex was not exciting or it became more difficult or unenjoyable to have sex with their wives then they would rather watch porn. When they had satisfying consistent sex with their wife’s they masturbated less meaning they watched less porn.  Most men would watch porn in-between having sex with their wives because they had a greater sex drive then their spouse or some even used it as a stress release.  Pornography was not the issue or problems, but simply something stimulating to masturbate too when not having sex.  Most men did not view it as a problem.  When a man masturbated to porn on average 3 times a week normally before marriage and when married had good sex with his wife on average 3 times a week men reported that they rarely watched porn.  If a man masturbated everyday but only had sex with his wife once a week he would still masturbate to porn everyday but the one day he had sex with his wife, which is consistent with his sexual pattern of masturbation.   The reality is that at some point throughout a long term marriage most couples will have mismatched sex drives and sex can get boring.  When this happens a man will turn to masturbation using pornography or have an affair to stabilize his sexual pattern.  Men reported that when they were accused of being porn addicts or their use of pornography became a problem in the marriage some ended up having an affair or became more turned off to their wives and hid their porn use.   Men also reported that if sex with their wife was more frequent and more exciting they would watch less pornography and certainly not have an affair.  Lastly were the percentage of men that had performance issues, erectly dysfunction, a fetish or not sexually attracted to their spouse they turned to pornography more often.

(As a side note masturbation by most of the men was accompanied by porn use, as a means of external stimulation, if porn was not available the men would still continue to masturbate.)

Mother's Day Advice For Men

As mother’s day approaches I am always left with a mixed bag of emotions.  Growing up in the United States and following the culture, and holidays of an American family, Mother’s day was a big event that happened once a year.  My father would buy my mom a card, a gift and we would all go out as a family to brunch or someone in the family would host one for all the moms.  It was a favorite childhood experience of mine.  When I grew up and got married, had children of my own, my husband at the time did not grow up celebrating American holidays. Therefore he simply did not see the importance of them.  I would still celebrate with my mom and extended family and my children, but he did not get me a card or gift from the kids or himself.  He never understood the difference in cultures and how important it was to me celebrating certain holidays such as Mothers Day. 

As a professional counselor I help couples with their intimate lives in my private practice.  I go over the concept of “Familiar”  with the couples explaining how each person has an idea of what is familiar to them based on how they grew up.  What may be familiar to one person in a relationship may not away be familiar to the other person.  Explaining this to couples helps them to better see it from the other person’s perspective.  Honoring an important event to a spouse even though the other person may not see the importance of the event is part of respecting that person’s values.  Mothers’ day happens only once a year, so honoring a woman who is a mother if that is the tradition she was raised in is the right thing to do.  Making her feel special instead of ignoring that day will go a long way setting up positive feelings towards each other in a relationship.  The opposite is also true, not honoring her or being stubborn about celebrating it with her on that day if it is her "familiar" will only make her feel bad about the relationship and cause her to dreed mother’s day each year.  Lasting relationships are built on mutual respect and love, honoring each other and doing the best to make the other person happy, when this happens then the relationship will blossom.  Mother’s day is a time to be thankful to all the moms in the world who give of themselves not only to their children or step-children but to their families and significant others.  Both men and women can honor a mom, tell her that she is a great mom, and let her know how much you appreciate her even if she is not your mom, your wife or the mother of your children, she is still a mom and if you love let her know.  Being a mom is one of the hardest jobs in the world, as well as one of the most rewarding.  To all of the beautiful mom’s, I personally want to wish you a happy mother’s day and let you know that you are appreciated!

Video of My Husband Wont Have Sex With Me Review

Over 1 million views a year and 2000 comments lead to my new book "My Husband Wont Have Sex With Me"  Check out a sneak preview on YouTube!  Please leave comments, and purchase a copy of the book !

Married Men Sex Survey-Results

In our society there is a myth that men don't like it when a woman takes over in the bedroom.  In hope of demystifying this myth and help couples to improve their sex lives, I set out on a journey to get information from men around the world.  As I gather information for my new book I will share it with you to gain more insight on this myth.  As a means to gather more information about sex in marriage, please feel free to leave comments and join this blog to get new updated surveys and results.    Those of you who took the survey, I want to thank-you! 

Now is the time to leave your comment and expand on your questions.  As you read the results below, it becomes very clear that most of the men do like it when their wife initiates sex.  For women reading this article I am hopeful that this information will help you to better understand your husband.  The other overwhelming answers that most men agree with is that they would like their wife to initiate sex more often.  They felt that their wives wanted to initiate sex but may be shy about asking for it. 

In my new book "My Husband Wont Have Sex With Me"  We discuss some possible reasons why men may get turned off or frustrated with sex in marriage, leading to cheating or watching pornography instead of dealing with the continued rejection of their spouse.  For women who may think that men don't like women to initiate this is not true as most men do.  Men want to know how to please their wives and a woman expressing this to them is a huge turn on!
As far as men watching pornography most men would rather have sex with their wives, but will turn to pornography when their wives are not available.  This was the result for the below question "I would like to have sex everyday with my wife, but when we don't I use porn to satisfy myself and she knows about it."   29%

View Results
https://www.surveymonkey.com/results/SM-KC828HNW/

There is an epidemic of SEXLESS MARRIAGE

There has always been talk about women not wanting to have sex with their husband........What happens when it is the man not wanting to have sex with his wife?  Let's Explore the epidemic of sexless marriage in my new forum www.sexlessspouse.com.

The forum talks about my new book "Why Wont My Husband Have Sex With Me", bringing about topics that have been too taboo to speak about until now.  We delve into men who watch pornography instead of having sex with their wives and why it can happen to anyone.  As well as secret fetishes and why men cheat.  Are you tired of trying to get your husband to be intimate with you, longing to have that passion back in your life?  Or are you a husband struggling with how to tell your wife that you have performance issues, and each time you try to make love to her you lose your erection.  These issues are more common than one may think.

Live your life with passion love and the deep intimacy of a loving marriage!