We have been married for 20 years and I have lost my desire

What happens when you are married and love your spouse but no longer feel desire for that person or feel any desire at all?

Understanding, what happens to the body and the mind as we age can help to resolve this issue.   Both men and women can experience loss of desire but for different reasons.  As our bodies age, and our minds expand with life experience, so do our feeling surrounding sex.  Many times couples are hesitant to talk about this with a partner or have tried but feel as though they are not being heard or understood.

As a couple enters into their 50's and the children are going off to college, they are in a place where the marriage is now focused back on their relationship...As a Clinical Sexologist  I see many couples in my private practice struggling with these issues at this stage in their lives.  For men and women there are some distinct differences that occur on a biological level.

Men: 
Men in their 50's and 60's are beginning to make less testosterone and vasopressin and the ratio of estrogen to testosterone increases as men get older.  Hormonally the male brain is becoming more like the mature female brain and becomes more responsive to oxytocin (the cuddle hormone, or the bonding hormone).  It is not that men do not want to have sex, but instead of lots of sex they begin to prefer the quality of the sexual interaction as opposed to the quantity.  One other factor that I often explain to couples is that the male brain now needs more stimulation to become aroused, just like that of a women's brain.  A man's in his 20's could see a flash of a women's breasts or legs and get an instant erection, because of the high levels of testosterone, but this is not the case for as they mature.  Men need more mental and physical closeness, as well as stimulation to become aroused and maintain an erection.  For some men this can become a time of anxiety as they are not able to keep erect for long periods of time and think that something is wrong with them.  The fact is that it just takes longer to get an erection and the excitement and help of his spouse to keep him erect.

Women:
As women pass through menopause they can experience lack of desire as well.  Some women who have a strong sex drive before menopause will continue after menopause to have the same desire but may need to invest in good lubrication.  For other women they can loose all desire if their hormone levels are not balanced.  The biggest problem that some women face in a marriage is wanting to feel sexual again.  Perhaps the sex before menopause, when she did still did have a sex drive was not all that satisfying and now that she no longer feels any desire the though of fixing it, is not important.  This is where my experience comes into play as a Clinical Sexologist.  I can help couples learn how to have better and more intimate sex, but I cannot do that if a women is completely lacking desire because of  loss of testosterone.  For some women the symptoms of lack of desire and depression can come before menopause as the brain may become less sensitive to estrogen. 

This loss of sensitivity to estrogen can trigger a cascade of symptoms such as hot flashes, joint pain, anxiety, depression, problems sleeping and changing levels of her libido.  After menopause many women's brains get used to the lower levels of estrogen, but if the testosterone levels are too low or not there at all then she will physically not feel sexual and may even be turned off by anything sexual.  The good news is that it is a simple fix hormonally to balance out the hormones and for her to feel desire, after that then we can begin to work on the intimacy in the marriage and more satisfying sex.

For more information on the topic or to set up an appointment you can contact Dawn Michael at The Happy Spouse or fill out an intake and release form to set up an appointment.

Couples who play together stay together, sex play that is!

Couples adult toy recommendation for the month is the new We-Vibe 4

If you are looking to get a special gift for your special someone why not give the gift that keeps on giving all year long......

The We-Vibe 4 has been completely redesigned for a better fit, more speeds and more control.

The We-Vibe 4 was designed to fit the female body for even better stimulation to the clitoris and the G-spot. So, she is able to feel more vibration and pleasure during penetrative sex, while he has fun with the remote control!!

Yes I did say remote control, that is what makes this adult sex toy so much fun, is that he can control her pleasure with a click of a button.  The ultimate tease in sex toy design.....

As a clinical sexologist I recommend adult toys to my clients to enhance their love life and this is one toy that will not only give her please but him as well.  Part of the joy of sex is the tease and playfulness that couples can share together.  The remote option with this toy is just that!  A way to tease the woman, until she has shivers up her spine and down her leg.

How it functions: 
 
The curved clitoral stimulator gently rests between the labia, while the stiff mid-section of the toy ensures a snug fit (which also makes it a great panty vibe!). The redesigned G-spot stimulator sits in place behind the pelvic bone, up and out of the way providing plenty of room for the penis. The new design increases stability and comfort because of its smaller size. Both partners experience extra pleasure.  The toy can also be used during sex for extra stimulation to her clitoris and G-spot, while he feels vibration on his penis.


Click on toy to order and enjoy the holiday throughout the year. 

Pleasure your partner with a Pulsater

What is a Pulsater? 

This is the newest adult sex toy on the market, it pulsates instead of vibrates.  The toy mimics the motion of intercourse hands free.  Fun Factory created a new line of sex toys hot off the market.  They are made from 100% medical grade silicone, water proof and battery free.  The sex toy makes it possible for women to have the thrusting motion of intercourse at a steady pace, allowing a slower build up to orgasm.  The toy has ten speeds so it can be adjusted to your bodies state of pleasure.  What I like about this adult sex toy is that many women don't experience vaginal orgasms, because their partners, either orgasm too quickly or the pace of the thrusting does not allow a woman the ability to slowly build up to her orgasm.

I have recommend this product to women who have not experienced a vagina orgasm, so that they can lean the sensation and then show it to their partner.  This toy can become a wonderful learning tool!  Click toy for more information

I want her to financially dominate me for her pleasure!

Financial domination is a fetish that most people are not aware of, but for those that have or practice it, this can be a very dangerous fetish.

It is said that financial domination stems from a fetish of financial slavery or to be dominated in a financial way.  Financial domination, though often misunderstood, is both a valid fetish and a very powerful form of power exchange. It is sometimes practiced in the BDSM community. The individuals who participates in the fetish usually gets excitement and aroused out of their fetish play; just as is the case in a number of other sexual fetishes.  In the situation of financial domination the excitement can occur when the slave gives money to his owner; feeling powerless under their control. In most cases the slave will get an intense rush of excitement from this, mixed with fear, humiliation and a sense of being owned. This excitement can last even past that point, lasting days after engaging in this fetish.


The men who practice this fetish may not fully understand the root of why they do it, but knowing that the feeling they get from it far outweighs the risks that they are willing to take.  This is why men that are brought to the brink of financial ruin will still want to continue to pursue this fetish.


The key to a successful exchange for a slave seeking a master in this type of situation, is if for the slave to be more selective of whom he is trusting to play in this fetish with.


For more information on an in depth look into the psychology of this fetish you may want to read
http://www.examiner.com/article/financial-domination-from-a-psychological-perspective

What is a normal amount of time too masturbate in a week?

How often have you wondered about this question concerning masturbation?

"Masturbation", mother natures gift to man/woman kind, self pleasure that keeps giving time and time again.  All of the natural hormones released in the body, relaxation and less stress after having the mighty orgasm, why would anyone not want to masturbate all the time?

How often is normal, there is no normal in human sexuality, there is a prescribed point of view, but in quantitative terms how could one determine what normal is?  The answer, is if it feels good and it is not disrupting your life in any way then that would be your normal.

The real answer is that masturbation for some people can become a problem when it keeps them from being productive in their lives or takes away sexual pleasure from a spouse or a partner.  Masturbating instead of having sex in your relationship can present a problem so the most logical answer would be to minimize the times one masturbates in a week or a day.

Many people masturbate everyday and this can be for both a woman or a man.  I often recommend in my intimacy counseling sessions that couples masturbate in front of each other, showing each other what makes them feel good so that their partner can learn.

Overall there is no normal masturbation, and if you think that you are having a problem then talk to a profession, if you are not then just enjoy your body and from time to time learn something new about it!

Sex After Children, How To Put The Fire Back Into Your Marriage

Those precious toddler years, chasing the children around the home, juggling schedules with your spouse, endless moms groups, no wonder there is not time for sex.  You and your spouse are so busy with the kids, and maintaining the "life" that you have forgotten about each other.  A couple can go through this for a few years and then slowly bounce back to spending time together again, but for the couples who don't things will not get better until you become pro-active in your marriage. 

Working on the marriage is just as important as any other aspect of your life.  Couples get too comfortable with each other and then forget that being sexy is not a given.  Taking the time to seduce each other in the marriage is the responsibility of both spouses.  The way that a man seduces a woman is different than how a woman seduces a man.  Women like to be touched outside of the bedroom, kissed, hugged, and spending time together before sex.  Men like this as well, but to really get a man's attention, putting on a sexy outfit or telling him in the morning that you want him when he gets home from work will do as well.

Take your calendar out and make a date night, get a babysitter and do something fun together.  Don't talk about past events that may bother you, when spending intimate time together talk about things that make you both happy.  All to often couples will make a date night and end up talking about the kids or past problems and it ends up ruining the evening. 

After an evening out take the time to re-connect and bring the spark back into your marriage, be pro-active and put your marriage first!

The importance of using the right sex toy for you!

Lets face it,  not all sex toys are the same, just like not all individuals are the same.

Sex toys can be a fun way to spice up any relationship, but with the amount of sex toys on the market it is difficult to choose which one is right for you.  Another advantage of sex toys is that some products are available to be used as sexual tools in helping with sexual problems.

Education surrounding the use of sex toys is limited, so when a person does purchase a product they may not always know how to use it correctly or which one is right for them.

A few of my recommendations are sex toys that are made from 100% medical grade silicone, this type of a toy will leave no toxins behind and it also does not hold onto bacteria.  The other products that I often recommend are lubrication for women that will not promote any yeast infections and are PH balanced.  Always use a water based lubrication with a silicone toy, because silicone lube can destroy a silicone toy.  The body does not absorb silicone and it must be wiped off, where as the body will absorb water based lubrication.

Recommended toy for women

LELO Ina 2 Vibrator is one of the best rabbit vibrators.

The Ina 2 is the updated version of the Ina, a modern and stylish rabbit vibrator that pleasures all erogenous zones, meaning the clitoris and inside of the vagina.

This new and improved rabbit sex toy is fully waterproof and is 100% more powerful with 8 variable vibration modes and 2 individual motors, located in each pleasure point.

As with all LELO vibrators, Ina is designed with FDA-approved and phthalate-free PC-ABS/ silicone. So, it's super smooth and does not attract dust like other vibrators.

When using this vibrator always use low vibration on the clitoris to start with so as not to damage or over stimulate the area, direct stimulation on high speed can have the adverse affect and irritate the delicate tissue on the clitoris .  The wonderful part about this vibrator is it will add to the pleasure of having a full vaginal orgasm along with a clitoral orgasm.  Always use lubrication with the toy and do not insert into the vagina until you are fully aroused and wet!  This vibrator is a wonderful way for a women to experiment on herself in achieving an orgasm.

 
My next recommendation is for men and couples,

The Je Joue Mio C-ring is a stretchable vibrating penis ring that is worn around the penis to help last longer and have a more intense orgasms during sex. When the ring is at the base of the penis it will help to maintain a stronger erection.  The vibration is also wonderful for a women when used to have intercourse stimulating her clitoris.

,

Sliquid Organics Lubricant Variety Pack

A variety of organic lubrication, click on link to view all of the wonderful lubrication products, all organic and safe to use!

Massage candle

My last recommendation is the candle massage oil.
I recommend it to all of my clients, because not only does it smell great, look sensual, but it turns into warm massage oil!  Once you try it you will want to come back for more.  This is a wonderful product to use with intimacy counseling!