He blurted out to me across the phone lines, “I want my wife to have sex with other men in front of me!” That is how the conversation started between my new client Tom and I. We talked on the phone for our 80-minute session, him being in New York and me in Sothern California while I got his sex history and more details about his current situation. Being a clinical sexologist these are issues that I deal with on a regular basis. Tom being very serious goes on to say that he also wants his wife to dominate him sexually while he is made to watch other men please his wife. He is open to humiliation as well as being flogged and made to get the other guy hard and ready to have sex with his wife. As we speak, he continues to be so focused on his fetish that he has convinced himself that his wife truly desires it herself, but she is simply too shy to try it out. In our next session one week later we talk more about his fetish and his relationship with his wife, whom he has been married to for 8 years. As I dig deeper into his sexual history and his relationship with his wife he reveals to me that he is having problems getting and maintaining an erection, and is not able to have intercourse with his wife, but pleases her in other ways. This is something that has been going on throughout their marriage.
As we talk more about his sex history he also reveals to me that in his mid-twenties before meeting his wife he had a girlfriend that cheated on him for this same reason of having erectile dysfunction. He stated that when he found out she cheated on him he was initially very hurt but then it became a turn on for him thinking about her with other men. He then encouraged her to seek out other men for sex and then to come home and tell him about it after. She did this for a few months but in the end she fell in love with one of the men and left him. After that relationship ended he continued to watch porn delving deeper into his sexual fetish of cuckolding. A few years later he met his current wife. He said that his wife was very sweet and had an open mind when it came to sex but he kept his fetish to himself for the first few years of their marriage and continued to watch cuckolding porn until his wife started questing his lack of sexual desire towards her. At that point he told his wife about his fetish and they began to use that fantasy when engaging in sex and the frequency of sex with his wife improved. Tom explained to me after that she enjoyed him talking about the fantasy but he started to get bored with just that and began to push her to try it out for real. She told him that she was not interested in doing that, but he felt that if she just tried it she would love it. This led him to believe that she indeed wanted to have sex with another guy, but needed to be pushed a little more into it, this went on for a few years until she started to get angry and did not want to have sex very often, that is when he decided to call me for counseling.
As the counseling sessions continued with Tom he was planning on surprising his wife with a man when she came home and wanted to know if this was a good idea, to get her interested in having sex again. I explained to him that he was on very shaky ground and we needed to evaluate what was fantasy and what was a real life situation. As I began to explain to him that his fetish had become so familiar to him and ingrained in his mind that he was now projecting those feeling onto his wife. When I asked him to share some of her responses with him, he said that she would say things like, “Why would you want me to have sex with other men?”, and “Is there something wrong with me?”, “Do you really love me, because if you did how could you see me have sex with another man?” After going over her responses with him I got him to understand that perhaps he was projecting more onto his wife then he wanted to believe. I suggested that she get involved in our counseling sessions so that the three of us could work together on improving the intimacy and their sex lives. He agreed. I worked with Tom and his wife and we were able to compromise as well as make their sex life more exciting for him by adding in role play, domination, and sex toys. She was very open and wanted to be intimate with her husband but felt as though he was pushing her to have sex with other men and that was not something that she wanted to do.
She was open to my suggestions and had a sense of adventure, she was more than happy to expand her erotic boundaries and find new ways to have fun in the bedroom. As Tom and his wife tried new positons and role play Tom was more satisfied with his sex life and not pushing his wife to bring another man into the bedroom. He really enjoyed the new role play of her dominating him and it helped him to relax during sex and made it possible for him to achieve an erection and to enjoy intercourse. His wife found much pleasure in dominating him as well. He still watched porn on cuckolding but only once a week instead of everyday.
When a person has a sexual fetish it is a part of their sexuality and not something that a person can change about themselves. What I help couples with is a way to manage their fetish and incorporate it into their relationship. Trying to eliminate the fetish has proven to be unsuccessful. The idea of managing a fetish is ultimately the best path to take but often has challenges with it. Managing a fetish takes work as well as a commitment to change some behaviors that can lead to hurting their relationship. Harm reduction in the relationship is the best possible solution to managing a sexual fetish and still being able to function sexually.
Some sexual fetishes can involve a sexual turn on that the other person in the relationship may not find attractive. Case in point: Scott came to me for help with his farting and pooping fetish. He had only been married to his wife for 5 years and they had one child and another on the way. He was very into farting and wanted his wife to fart on him. He also got turned on by watching her poop and was fascinated at watching it come out. It really turned him on but he knew that it did not turn his wife on at all. Other than the sexual fetish being a problem in the marriage they had a great marriage. As I talked to Scott about his fetish I also talked to his wife Melinda about it as well trying to have her understand his fascination with pooping and arousal. I compared it to their 2-year-old son who was also fascinated by his poop as most 2 year olds are. Once she was able to make some kind of connection she began to feel less disgusted with her husband and more open to him at least taking about it with her. As we continued to work on the management of the sexual fetish she became open to farting on him and him being allowed to talk about his fantasy with her in more detail. He also was not watching poop porn everyday but only once a week with his wife’s approval instead of hiding it from her. She was not interested in pooping on him but by allowing him to talk about it he was able to get aroused during sex.
I urged them to continue to use fantasy and to have open communication about his sexual fetish and check back in with me from time to time. As he is not able to stop his pooping fetish, he can change his behavior to manage it and compromise with his wife. As some fetishes are more challenging than others time will tell if this couple will be able to work through this one.
For help with managing your fetish you can visit Dr. Dawn Michael at www.thehappyspouse.com