Thursday, January 6, 2011

Men's sexual problems after a wife's infidelity, repairing a relationship after cheating

How to repair the relationship after my wife has cheated

I was asked by one of my readers on hubpages to answer this question

How to repair the sexual relationship after your wife's infidelity.

He also stated under the question: "it feels as if she's been "contaminated" by having sex with another man. And now sex with HER it seems repulsive also whether it's true or not, it feels like you are being compared to the other man while having sex." Asked by Smitty7

How to repair the sexual relationship after your wife's infidelity

A relationship expert and clinical sexologist this question hit on such an important topic that I wanted to answer it in more depth, explaining the psychology and biology involved.

We hear about men cheating and coming back to the marriage but we do not hear quite as often about what it feels like for a man to have his wife cheat and then come back to the marriage. There is a difference in how a man will view his wife after she has cheated that will differ from how a woman may see a husband. The main difference is really coded in our DNA, how we function as a man and a woman in society.

Most woman cheat on men for different reasons than when a man cheats on a woman, I wrote an article on this very subject. Reasons Why A Woman Cheats In The Marriage

When a woman cheats
Many times when a woman cheats she is not only cheating with her body but on a deeper more intimate level where feelings are involved, psychology and biology. A woman by nature of being a woman is much more emotional than a man and therefore that is part of the reason that she gets involved to begin with, because she is looking for that emotional connection and then it becomes physical. When a woman cheats as opposed to a man "she is allowing someone else to enter into her body" that statement is very powerful.

A man is still part of his DNA, biology, meaning that he wants his woman to be his and the underling factor here is that she allowed another man to enter her body and that was sacred to him that was his woman. Smitty7 used the words "contaminated" in his question which is exactly how a man would feel towards his his wife after being with another man "contaminated". This is not an uncommon feeling for a husband that has been cheated on. For Smitty7 to have sex with his wife after she had been with another man, he now feels like she is not his anymore, another male has marked his territory, biological. He also feels emasculated, to the point where he is now in competition with this other man on a subliminal level.

What Smitty7 asked in his question also was how to repair the sexual relationship after his wife's infidelity. The cheating on her part is a result of a breakdown in her marriage that she was addressing by going outside the marriage to fill the void. Going back to my other article again on "Reasons Why A Woman Cheats In The Marriage"

Why a woman cheats in a marriage there are different reasons, but the four most common reasons are:

1. She is lonely

2. She is not longer attracted to her spouse and is looking for some excitement, has fallen out of love

3. Her husband puts her down

4. The woman who needs to escape

5. The woman was the wrong choice to begin with. (not a good person)

Without understanding why the cheating happened in the first place, to even think about having sex with his wife should be put on hold until he has worked through:

1. Why she cheated in the marriage in the first place and resolves it.
2. Has she asked for forgiveness and made it clear that she is not longer involved with that person, emotionally or physically.
3. Can he forgive her and move forward in the marriage.

Can you forgive her? The last question is really important on many levels, if a husband can resolve the first two problems with his wife and they have worked through those two very important questions, can he now forgive her? Can he still see her as his woman?

If the answer is no then the marriage will not work.

If the answer is yes then they can begin to slowly repair the trust between them.

The conclusion of this very heartfelt question is for all married couples's men and woman, before you think of cheating on your spouse, talk to a professional about your marriage. Cheating is not the answer and it truly only complicates the situation even more and brings pain to the other person. A big thank-you to Smitty7 for asking this very brave question. Comments from readers

Thanks Dawn, as a single young man, I know how I feel if my girlfriend cheats, then how will it be with a cheating wife. But the reasons women cheat can be very complicated, that if you even ask her why she did it, she'll be very fast to blame the Devil. In issues of relationship, when the trusts level recedes, getting back that relationship back on course can be very difficult: almost impossible if you ask me. But thanks for your indepth analysis on this very issue, and I believe that your advise can help mend fences and rebuild trust that is very important in any relationship.

Pamela99 Dawn, I;m sure this is a hub that will help people in this situation. You really explained things very well.

De Greek
You are such a knowledgeable girl that I take my hat off to you. One aspect to consider in this case is perhaps the endangerment to the male with regard to the extension of himself through breeding. If his woman is unfaithful, there is a danger that the offspring will not be his, therefore his line will be terminated. Very primitive, animalistic stuff :-))

Hi Chinemerema, thanks for your comment and yes women in general are more complicated than men.

Hi pamela thank-you for reading and commenting, I wanted to help this person with his problem, so thank-you for for the compliment

Hi De Greek, I am happy to hear from you and your comment, a man being married himself. Yes you brought up another biological point and that is breeding which is also coded in our DNA as you said primitive. This is not something that we can erase as a society, it is a part of being a man. What touched me the most in his question to me was he used the word contaminated and I found that to be so powerful becasue in reality that is based in the biology of a man, and a woman would not use that word if her man cheated.....just wanted to point that difference out again. thank-you for adding that other important part to my hub....

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