I cheated on my wife should I tell her or not?

A man was seeking my professional help because he and his wife had been having some problems in their marriage, concerning their sex life.  He explained to me in our counseling session that he met a woman on a business trip at a bar and he ended up having sex with her.  He felt so bad about it and did not know how to tell his wife he had cheated.  Before he left on his trip he and his wife had gotten into an argument.  The arguing had been increasing in the marriage for over a year.  His wife was becoming less interested in sex to the point where if they had it at all it was once a month and it was beginning to feel like a chore.  He still loved his wife after 15 years of marriage but was feeling extremely rejected and lonely.

We spoke a little more about what may have changed in the marriage about a year ago?   He stated that nothing major had changed but that it did seem that his wife may be having some issues with moodiness, also complaining that during sex she was more dry and uncomfortable.  She was in her late forties and he mood swings were more noticeable.  As we talked more it seemed to me that his wife may be experiencing signs of menopause.

As I explained some of the symptoms to him, he agreed that perhaps she was and that a visit to her doctor may provide some answers.  We spoke more about his situation as far as cheating on his wife, and how the fighting leading up to it could have been avoided.  Solutions to marital problems never get better by going outside the marriage and cheating.  Telling his wife about his affair, was not going to resolve the problem either.  The marriage needed some attention, from both the husband and the wife.

After our session I suggested that he and his wife come back together for intimacy counseling so that they could get back on tract with the marriage. It was important as well to find out from his wife's perspective how she was feeling about the marriage.  She had been refusing to have sex with her husband for over a year, with occasional sexual contact maybe once a month, this was a problem.  She could be going through menopause, but also neglecting her husband instead of dealing with their marital problems was not the answer either.

The moral of this story is there are always two sides to a marriage, and being pro-active is the best solution before it is too late.  For this couple they were able to work through many of the problems with intimacy counseling and the assistance of balancing out her hormones with her doctor.  Both husband and wife did take responsibility of what was going on in the marriage.  If her husband at first had come out and told his wife that he had cheated on her it would have made the situation worse, they needed to figure out what lead up to the cheating and fix that in the marriage. 

Women cheat in marriage for different reasons than a man

When a women cheats in a marriage it is typically different than when a man cheats.  Men will cheat purely for sexual gratification if it comes there way, whereas a women will cheat for love and affection if it comes her way.  There are of course acceptations to all situations but for the most part the intent and motivation being the a cheating wife or a cheating husband is different.

The intimacy involved int cheating is also different just in a functional sense.  A women allows a man to enter her where as a man enters a women.  She is opening up her body, and with that there is also an emotional component to it.  Many times a woman that has been married for a while, may feel neglected and a loss of love by her husband and a man to fill that void in her life.  A married women that cheats is more likely to end the marriage than a married man that cheats. 

When she falls out of love with her husband she may feel trapped in a situation or in some instances just becomes more vulnerable and looking for a new love in her life.  Repairing a marriage after a woman cheats is also less likely to happen.  Typically her feeling in the marriage will end while she is still is married, whereas a man will end the marriage first and then get emotionally involved after the marriage is over.

Reasons why you may not want to have sex in a relationship

Image via WikipediaSexuality is one of the most complex parts about being human.

The reasons why sexuality is a constant struggle for many adults is because they suppress their feelings to be acceptable or normal in the view of society.

This has been the case for centuries dating back to the cave man era where human sexuality was part of survival.  Religion along with societies influences did not come into play at that time.

As society developes, the human mind expands, we moved beyond survival into farming, industry, media….constraints were placed on human sexuality, mating, marriage, family. The idea of being with the same person year after year for extended periods of time is not natural to the human animal and for many people it is a fight. In marriage couples often times will have shame, deception, cheating, because they feel like they cannot sexually allow themselves to be who they want to be. Most married couples will have times throughout their marriage where sex can become an issue not getting enough or not getting fulfilling sex. The worst part of all of it is the lack of communication between the couple surrounding sex.

We have been conditioned not to talk about sex especially with our spouse, it is expected to just know what to do, but the truth of the matter is very few people do know what to do. They stay in marriages where the sex is non-existent or not what they expected…

 As a sex therapist I find that the couples who don’t take action and fix the sex in the marriage will cheat and deceive each other or it ends in divorce. Don’t wait until it is too late to make the marriage work, work at the marriage. For sex therapy and marriage counseling call Dawn (805) 732-7847or leave a comment below!

Related articles

• Reasons why a person cheats in a marriage or relationship (thehappyspouse.blogspot.com)
• Finding solutions to your sexual problems in your relationship (thehappyspouse.blogspot.com)
• Women and Orgasm: Reasons why some women can't achieve orgasm during sex (thehappyspouse.blogspot.com)
• Tantric sex practice can enhance the sexual intimacy between couples (thehappyspouse.blogspot.com)

How to improve sex in your relationship

Image via WikipediaAs a sex therapist helping people to improve sex in their relationship, I recommend that couples open the lines of communication surrounding sex.

Most people have no problem having sex or unsatisfactory sex, but have a problem discussing it. Talking about what one likes to their partner still seems a bit taboo. The sad part about all of this is that the sex continues to deteriorate and gets old and boring in many relationships. As humans we have sexual animal instincts as well as a hunger for variety. The human mind is complex and sex in the same position with the same person over time can become unfulfilled in any relationship.

Ideas on how to add some excitement back into the sex is being able to talk about each others fantasies, experimenting with sex and checking in with your partner as to what feels good or not. Another way to help improve sex is to make it fun and playful, adding role play, erotic stories, sex toys or adult DVD’s. One suggestion that I give couples is to go out on a date night to a sex shop together, and see if anything there  stimulates the imagination.

For more tips on how to improve sex you can set up an appointment at dawnmichael40@yahoo.com or call (805) 732-7847 Dawn Michael

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• Women and Orgasm: Reasons why some women can't achieve orgasm during sex (thehappyspouse.blogspot.com)
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• Reconnecting Couples Using Physical Intimacy (psychologytoday.com)

Reasons why a person cheats in a marriage or relationship

Most people that cheat are not liars or habitual cheaters; there is usually a reason why a person will cheat in a marriage or relationship.  People just do not wake up in the morning and decide to go out and cheat or meet someone in a bar when they are in a happy marriage or relationship.  This leads us to the question, what are the reasons why a person cheats in a marriage or relationship.

Many times a person will cheat because of a need for more affection, attention, and sexual fulfillment in a marriage.  Other forms of cheating are a way for a person to be self-destructive and end a relationship or a bad marriage.  Unless a person is a habitual cheater or liar, cheating will not come easy to them and they will feel guilt, remorse and confusion over what they have done. 

As a sex counselor and marriage counselor, I often work with people that have cheated or are actively cheating in their relationship.  I will often say to my clients that not all relationships are worth going back to and the stress of a person leading a double life is not healthy for them, and is not fair to their spouse. 

What are the solutions or answers to this very touchy subject?   If  a person in a marriage  has made a mistake and cheated once, don’t tell your spouse about it just to clear your conscious,  there is no need to confess to a one time stupid mistake, but know that if it happens again, it was not a mistake to begin with.

The second group of cheating is actually having a lover or many lovers while in a marriage or long term committed relationship and this is where I say, end the marriage and move on, because the marriage at this point is already over and the chance of bringing home a disease to your spouse may happen and that is not acceptable.

The third suggestion that I will make to some individuals is that if they still love their spouse but are not attracted to them anymore, or not actively having sex with them, they still need to be honest and lay down the lines of communication, letting them know how they feel and telling them that an open marriage would be better or a divorce.  This gives the spouse a choice of staying under this circumstance or choosing to leave.

When a person is in a marriage or long term commitment, and is actively seeking sex outside the relationship, the sex is only part of the equation, but the lying is really the most hurtful,  chose to be honest with the your spouse and give them the opportunity to make a decision to stay or to go..

For marriage and sex counseling go to Dawn Michael M.A.

Reasons why talking about sex is so sexually charged and then considered a sin after marriage?

The reason is because as people we are teased with images, sexy shows, and of course, pornography on the Internet. Thus, many enjoy these pleasures while single, but, once married, suddenly all of those sexy images that turned us on... are now taken away. Once married the only sexy thoughts we should be having are about our spouse.

Many people go so far as to say that if you look at nude images or think about another person during sex when married then that is considered cheating.
Think about how unnatural all of those statements are, and in simple terms, over time, drive many people to "cheat" by watching porn behind their spouse's back.

When people do marry it is not supposed to be the end of looking at sexy pictures or thinking sexy thoughts or even controlling or suppressing the feeling of sleeping with another person. In fact, these feelings are completely natural. What is not natural is to suppress those feeling and shame a spouse for having them.

This does not mean that because we have those thoughts that we should act on them with another person, but simply understand them as a normal part of being human. Then, we can share those thoughts in the bedroom with our spouse (role-playing, fantasy, watching adult movies, erotic novels, sex toys...etc.) This will make the sex in the marriage all that much better and help to maintain a long-term monogamous relationship.

Marriage is not about suppression of sexual desire, but expression of sexual pleasure and freedom with the person who you love. A person with whom you can feel comfortable enough to explore your sexuality and not to be judged but embraced, that is what sex should be like in every marriage.

What is your idea of a good marriage or a lasting marriage?

Image via Wikipedia

The meaning of marriage in present day is not what was defined back in biblical times, the average life span of a person back then was 30 years of age and the time that they were a couple together may have been only 18 years and were dependent on each other for survival.



When two people get married in present time and the years pass, the two people that first met and fell in love are not the same people that they once were fifteen years prior, when first married. Individuals in marriage grow and change throughout life along with their understanding of whom they are and their sexuality.



This is where the idea of long term marriage may really contradict what a person is supposed to feel as human beings and what is expected of them as a couple in society. As a human race our natural life span was quite shorter than in biblical times.  In those days we married and raised kids together until they were old enough to take care of themselves (which was around 13 years of age) then we were biologicaly done and passed away or were lucky enough to live into our late 40’s or 50’s.



In the society that we live in today’s world we are expected to fit into the tradition box of marriage, stating that we have to continue to be with the person we marry until death do us part, but the reality is back at that time of the biblical concept of marriage our life with someone may have been at best a 20 year span and the dependence on one another was critical for survival.



Today being in our late 40’s and 50’s is quite different then in biblical times, and is equivalent to  late 20’s and 30’s where the average age of marriage was 13 years of age.  Today we may marry in our late 20’s but by the time we are 50 our life is no longer over but many people have a renewed sense of self and are quite different than when they first got married.



Many women in their 40’s begin to know their bodies and minds better and find themselves wanting to experience sex in new ways without stress of small children and their own freedom of financial independence.  The same goes for a man as well, his seed to reproduce is still viable at the age of 50 even though he has raised his children and been married for 18 years he still has the biological need to reproduce.  Not to say that a man necessarly wants more children but that his body and mind are still very much reproductive by nature, and the husband and wife no longer need each other to survive or raise the children.



What happens in this generation of people at this stage in their lives is that they are faced with a marital dilemma, their spouse is the person that they have a friendship with, shared experiences and financial obligations but in reality the attraction to their spouse may no longer be there. Many times these feelings of turmoil will lead a man or woman to go outside of the marriage to cheat causing them extreme guilt over what they have done and hurt their spouse, and have no real solutions to their problems.


The fact is that people live longer with newer drugs to enhance their libido, plastic surgery to enhance their appearance and ways to slow down the aging process will only continue to plague married couples in their 40’s and 50’s and eventually will become the normal evolution of society to just be in sexless unhappy marriages.



Coming up with solutions to these very real problems starts with understanding and knowing that it is quite normal to feel this way about marriage.


In a lecture series that I had the privilege to listen to a very well-known marriage counselor and sex therapist gave this explanation in one of her lectures and that is, "That married couples can have many marriages in their lives with the same person, and recognize that it is a new marriage with new feelings and the old marriage no longer works or applies, but that the couple together has decided to start a “new beginning with each other”.  I thought that was a unique and honest approach to look at marriage today.



Once the couple can honestly look at each other and say let’s put our old marriage to rest and start over on a new relationship with each other.  Then deciding to really get to know each other mentally, physically and spiritually again and be open to the fact that growth in this new marriage together can happen, or that the marriage is not able to blossom and make peace with themselves, remain friends, find a new person to have a life experience with.  


Some couples also may decide to turn to non-traditional marriage and try new forms of lifestyle changes into their marriage.  Each couple and each solution or progress may be completely different, but the one constant remains and that is the understanding that monogamy for such an extended period of time is not natural or normal and takes work.



The mindset is what will make a couple that has been together for 15 years and give them the permission to say that in fact the tradition of “marriage and monogamy is the unnatural way of life and to work in that parameter of thinking will take away the pressure of failure”.    



The conclusion of the article is not to say that marriage cannot last a life time or that two people are not capable of living in long lasting monogamous marriages, but that it is not biologically the normal evolution and that having a long term monogamous relationship takes work.  Two people that can continue to grow together and be honest about who they are and what they need to stay in a marriage may be the couple that lasts for a life time.

Please feel free to leave your comments and open a discussion on this subject, it would be a very helpful topic for many people to talk openly about.

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The best way for a wife can to give her husband oral sex or "head"

Image via Wikipedia

Oral sex can be a topic that many couples in marriage are often embarrassed to talk about, but in reality it is a natural part of sexual intimacy. Both men and women enjoy oral sex in marriage and especially men enjoy their wives to give them oral sex or “good head”. When talking about oral sex for a man it is important for a woman to find out how to properly perform oral sex on her husband and understand what he likes. Not only is it helpful to know how to engage in oral sex, but also to fully understand a man’s penis and what to do with it.

"I personally wrote this article for women, who are too embarrassed to talk about oral sex with their husbands, but who what to know what to do. As a marriage counselor and sexologist, I feel it is my job to pass on relevant information to other women, and this happens to be one subject that women want to know but will not ask. They may also want to know if oral sex should be a part of the sexual intimacy between husband and wife and how often it should be done. My advice is that men tend to thoroughly enjoy oral sex receiving it and getting it, so it can enhance the sex in marriage quite a bit. The other factor is that sometimes a woman may not want to have intercourse but still wants to please her husband and this a great way to make him a very happy man. The decision to have oral sex and how often should be talked about between a husband and wife. There is no set standard and it will vary in every couple.

The first and most important step about a wife giving her husband oral sex is the fact that she wants to do it. This is a selfless sexual act done by a wife that wants to bring pleasure to her husband for the sole purpose of pleasing him. This is a very powerful statement and needs to be understood by both husband and wife.

He also has to entrust his wife to take the upmost care of his delicate penis while placing it in her mouth. There is nothing sexier than for a wife to want to please her husband in this manner and there is no quicker way to bring a man to orgasm. When a woman is giving her husband oral sex she is in complete control over him, deciding on when to give him pleasure and when to take it away.

he act of oral sex for a wife giving this to her husband is out of love, desire and pleasing him while empowering herself. Many women may see this as a submissive act, but that is far from the truth, again this is about a husband and a wife enjoying the intimacy between them and a man trusting his wife enough to be careful with him and her wanting to bring him pleasure in this way.

What a wife needs to know about a man's penis and the terminology:

Glans (head) this is the top of the penis and is designed for penetration

Corona ridges the tender ridge that encircles the base of the head where it meets the shaft.

Frenulum this is considered the man’s “V” spot which is ultra sensitive and between the head and the shaft.

Meatus (urethra opening) these are like two tiny lips at the head, not a place to poke around in.

Shaft the length of the penis.

Scrotum (ball sack) the soft part that holds the testis.

Prostate (male g-spot) the muscle that creates the semen and can be a point of great pleasure if stimulated properly.

Pubococcygeus Muscle the muscle that encircles the base of the penis and the anus.

Perineum (slang is taint) the nerve ending area of skin between the anus and rectum, which can be very pleasurable for a man if stimulated properly.

How to stimulate the penis

A man has two very sensitive spots on his penis that are rich in nerve endings and that is the "V" spot and the taint, when stimulated properly, with the right pressure, this can add to the pleasure and sensation of a man’s orgasm and the length of time it takes to climax, between 4-10 minutes on average.

A man should be able to achieve an orgasm from oral sex in less than ten minutes, sorry to add a timer to it, but done properly most men will have an orgasm in less than ten minutes and be completely satisfied and worship his lovely beautiful wife who took the time to do it!

How to get the process started and what a woman can do to give her some sexual aids for oral sex. The best product for a woman to use while giving oral sex to her husband is a numbing throat spray for the gauge reflux. This is no joke, after a woman has had a child for some unknown reason her gag reflex may become compromised, and a quick spray of desensitizing gel will solve the problem.

One other problem that can occur with a man is the taste of him and the thickness especially if he has had a vasectomy. When a man has had a vasectomy, it can make his sperm more thick. The resolution is a large glass of pineapple juice the night before. Lastly if a woman wants a little help a stroker and some great lubrication can do the job. Place the lubrication on the penis place the stroker to the base of the penis and insert the head in your mouth while moving the stroker up and down. The pressure and release is orgasmic for a man!

If you dont want to use a stroker you can place your hand at the base of the penis and twist gently while placing the head of the penis in your mouth. If you do not want him to ejaculate in your mouth, you simply move your hand from the base to the tip and catch the cum in your hand. Most women can feel when a man is cuming and many men like to shout it out as well.

Last but not least is a remember to stimulate the "V" spot and if a man will allow you to stimulate the prostate, some little vibrating frisky fingers will add to the overall pleasure. For a wife, knowing how to please her husband with oral sex is a great gift for her!

Men's sexual problems after a wife's infidelity, repairing a relationship after cheating

How to repair the relationship after my wife has cheated

I was asked by one of my readers on hubpages to answer this question

How to repair the sexual relationship after your wife's infidelity.


He also stated under the question: "it feels as if she's been "contaminated" by having sex with another man. And now sex with HER it seems repulsive also whether it's true or not, it feels like you are being compared to the other man while having sex." Asked by Smitty7

How to repair the sexual relationship after your wife's infidelity

A relationship expert and clinical sexologist this question hit on such an important topic that I wanted to answer it in more depth, explaining the psychology and biology involved.

We hear about men cheating and coming back to the marriage but we do not hear quite as often about what it feels like for a man to have his wife cheat and then come back to the marriage. There is a difference in how a man will view his wife after she has cheated that will differ from how a woman may see a husband. The main difference is really coded in our DNA, how we function as a man and a woman in society.

Most woman cheat on men for different reasons than when a man cheats on a woman, I wrote an article on this very subject. Reasons Why A Woman Cheats In The Marriage

When a woman cheats
Many times when a woman cheats she is not only cheating with her body but on a deeper more intimate level where feelings are involved, psychology and biology. A woman by nature of being a woman is much more emotional than a man and therefore that is part of the reason that she gets involved to begin with, because she is looking for that emotional connection and then it becomes physical. When a woman cheats as opposed to a man "she is allowing someone else to enter into her body" that statement is very powerful.

A man is still part of his DNA, biology, meaning that he wants his woman to be his and the underling factor here is that she allowed another man to enter her body and that was sacred to him that was his woman. Smitty7 used the words "contaminated" in his question which is exactly how a man would feel towards his his wife after being with another man "contaminated". This is not an uncommon feeling for a husband that has been cheated on. For Smitty7 to have sex with his wife after she had been with another man, he now feels like she is not his anymore, another male has marked his territory, biological. He also feels emasculated, to the point where he is now in competition with this other man on a subliminal level.

What Smitty7 asked in his question also was how to repair the sexual relationship after his wife's infidelity. The cheating on her part is a result of a breakdown in her marriage that she was addressing by going outside the marriage to fill the void. Going back to my other article again on "Reasons Why A Woman Cheats In The Marriage"

Why a woman cheats in a marriage there are different reasons, but the four most common reasons are:

1. She is lonely

2. She is not longer attracted to her spouse and is looking for some excitement, has fallen out of love

3. Her husband puts her down

4. The woman who needs to escape

5. The woman was the wrong choice to begin with. (not a good person)

Without understanding why the cheating happened in the first place, to even think about having sex with his wife should be put on hold until he has worked through:

1. Why she cheated in the marriage in the first place and resolves it.
2. Has she asked for forgiveness and made it clear that she is not longer involved with that person, emotionally or physically.
3. Can he forgive her and move forward in the marriage.

Can you forgive her? The last question is really important on many levels, if a husband can resolve the first two problems with his wife and they have worked through those two very important questions, can he now forgive her? Can he still see her as his woman?

If the answer is no then the marriage will not work.

If the answer is yes then they can begin to slowly repair the trust between them.

The conclusion of this very heartfelt question is for all married couples's men and woman, before you think of cheating on your spouse, talk to a professional about your marriage. Cheating is not the answer and it truly only complicates the situation even more and brings pain to the other person. A big thank-you to Smitty7 for asking this very brave question. Comments from readers

chinemeremz
Thanks Dawn, as a single young man, I know how I feel if my girlfriend cheats, then how will it be with a cheating wife. But the reasons women cheat can be very complicated, that if you even ask her why she did it, she'll be very fast to blame the Devil. In issues of relationship, when the trusts level recedes, getting back that relationship back on course can be very difficult: almost impossible if you ask me. But thanks for your indepth analysis on this very issue, and I believe that your advise can help mend fences and rebuild trust that is very important in any relationship.

Pamela99 Dawn, I;m sure this is a hub that will help people in this situation. You really explained things very well.

De Greek
You are such a knowledgeable girl that I take my hat off to you. One aspect to consider in this case is perhaps the endangerment to the male with regard to the extension of himself through breeding. If his woman is unfaithful, there is a danger that the offspring will not be his, therefore his line will be terminated. Very primitive, animalistic stuff :-))

dawnM
Hi Chinemerema, thanks for your comment and yes women in general are more complicated than men.

Hi pamela thank-you for reading and commenting, I wanted to help this person with his problem, so thank-you for for the compliment


Hi De Greek, I am happy to hear from you and your comment, a man being married himself. Yes you brought up another biological point and that is breeding which is also coded in our DNA as you said primitive. This is not something that we can erase as a society, it is a part of being a man. What touched me the most in his question to me was he used the word contaminated and I found that to be so powerful becasue in reality that is based in the biology of a man, and a woman would not use that word if her man cheated.....just wanted to point that difference out again. thank-you for adding that other important part to my hub....

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