Showing posts with label sex and marriage counseling. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sex and marriage counseling. Show all posts

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Knowing when it's time to leave a bad marriage

One of the most difficult parts about being a sex and marriage counselor is helping couples to get out of a bad marriage. 

At times people get stuck in their own situation and from the inside they are not able to see the misery that they are causing each another or the children that may be involved.

Leaving a marriage is one of the most difficult decisions that a person makes because it involves other people, and in some ways is the death of a relationship or a way of life.  The loss of a marriage can cause deep emotional pain on both a husband, wife and the children involved.

The real question is,
do you stay in a marriage that is making you a miserable person and everyone else around you for the fear that you may never find someone else or that you have failed your spouse and children?  The fear that you have just become another static in a world were commitment is no longer appreciated or treasured.

This is indeed a very personal matter and one that I believe should be looked at from all areas and come to a decision based on the well being of the entire family.  My job as a counselor sometimes is just that, to help a couple get out of a bad marriage and find a place where they can rebuild their lives again separately.

The one fact remains true and that is...... if two people have tried to stay together and worked on their marriage and keep failing ......making it a misery rather than a loving home, then the conclusion of those actions need to be measured and decided upon.

Life is about living not dying or living as a zombie without love or passion in a marriage, staying together for the sake of the children or the principal of marriage itself.

 For marriage and sex counseling

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Sexual differences in marriage and how to work through them

When you have been married for some time and the sex in the marriage has gotten routine, maybe even a little boring what do most couples do?

The reality of the situation is that most couples don't do anything about it with each other because one spouse may be completely content and the other maybe unhappy. This happens more often than not in long term relationships where the sex drive, desire and frequency of sex is not what one person wants, but their partner seems to be fine with it and can happen with both men and women.

This usually is not a sudden realization but one that takes place over a period of time and then at one point or another just becomes unbearable for one spouse.

As a sex counselor and marriage counselor, I recommend that couples heading down that road of disaster to take the time and talk about it before it gets to the point where resentmeant and cheating takes over.

If that time has already come and gone and you are the spouse who is miserable, and unhappy then something needs to be done and that is to get help from a sex counselor or sex coach that understands human sexuality.

Sex coaching and counseling is much different then marriage counseling because it is solution based and deals directly with sexual issues, sexual health, techniques, fetish's, fantasy, sex drive, hormones and other issues. Sex counsling can be done as a couple or individual, but one thing is certain everyone deserves to have a healthy happy sex life!

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

What is your idea of a good marriage or a lasting marriage?

A Ketubah in Aramaic, a Jewish marriage-contra...Image via Wikipedia
The meaning of marriage in present day is not what was defined back in biblical times, the average life span of a person back then was 30 years of age and the time that they were a couple together may have been only 18 years and were dependent on each other for survival.



When two people get married in present time and the years pass, the two people that first met and fell in love are not the same people that they once were fifteen years prior, when first married. Individuals in marriage grow and change throughout life along with their understanding of whom they are and their sexuality.



This is where the idea of long term marriage may really contradict what a person is supposed to feel as human beings and what is expected of them as a couple in society. As a human race our natural life span was quite shorter than in biblical times.  In those days we married and raised kids together until they were old enough to take care of themselves (which was around 13 years of age) then we were biologicaly done and passed away or were lucky enough to live into our late 40’s or 50’s.



In the society that we live in today’s world we are expected to fit into the tradition box of marriage, stating that we have to continue to be with the person we marry until death do us part, but the reality is back at that time of the biblical concept of marriage our life with someone may have been at best a 20 year span and the dependence on one another was critical for survival.



Today being in our late 40’s and 50’s is quite different then in biblical times, and is equivalent to  late 20’s and 30’s where the average age of marriage was 13 years of age.  Today we may marry in our late 20’s but by the time we are 50 our life is no longer over but many people have a renewed sense of self and are quite different than when they first got married.



Many women in their 40’s begin to know their bodies and minds better and find themselves wanting to experience sex in new ways without stress of small children and their own freedom of financial independence.  The same goes for a man as well, his seed to reproduce is still viable at the age of 50 even though he has raised his children and been married for 18 years he still has the biological need to reproduce.  Not to say that a man necessarly wants more children but that his body and mind are still very much reproductive by nature, and the husband and wife no longer need each other to survive or raise the children.



What happens in this generation of people at this stage in their lives is that they are faced with a marital dilemma, their spouse is the person that they have a friendship with, shared experiences and financial obligations but in reality the attraction to their spouse may no longer be there. Many times these feelings of turmoil will lead a man or woman to go outside of the marriage to cheat causing them extreme guilt over what they have done and hurt their spouse, and have no real solutions to their problems.


The fact is that people live longer with newer drugs to enhance their libido, plastic surgery to enhance their appearance and ways to slow down the aging process will only continue to plague married couples in their 40’s and 50’s and eventually will become the normal evolution of society to just be in sexless unhappy marriages.



Coming up with solutions to these very real problems starts with understanding and knowing that it is quite normal to feel this way about marriage.


In a lecture series that I had the privilege to listen to a very well-known marriage counselor and sex therapist gave this explanation in one of her lectures and that is, "That married couples can have many marriages in their lives with the same person, and recognize that it is a new marriage with new feelings and the old marriage no longer works or applies, but that the couple together has decided to start a “new beginning with each other”.  I thought that was a unique and honest approach to look at marriage today.



Once the couple can honestly look at each other and say let’s put our old marriage to rest and start over on a new relationship with each other.  Then deciding to really get to know each other mentally, physically and spiritually again and be open to the fact that growth in this new marriage together can happen, or that the marriage is not able to blossom and make peace with themselves, remain friends, find a new person to have a life experience with.  


Some couples also may decide to turn to non-traditional marriage and try new forms of lifestyle changes into their marriage.  Each couple and each solution or progress may be completely different, but the one constant remains and that is the understanding that monogamy for such an extended period of time is not natural or normal and takes work.



The mindset is what will make a couple that has been together for 15 years and give them the permission to say that in fact the tradition of “marriage and monogamy is the unnatural way of life and to work in that parameter of thinking will take away the pressure of failure”.    



The conclusion of the article is not to say that marriage cannot last a life time or that two people are not capable of living in long lasting monogamous marriages, but that it is not biologically the normal evolution and that having a long term monogamous relationship takes work.  Two people that can continue to grow together and be honest about who they are and what they need to stay in a marriage may be the couple that lasts for a life time.

Please feel free to leave your comments and open a discussion on this subject, it would be a very helpful topic for many people to talk openly about.
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Saturday, February 12, 2011

How a woman can get her sexual desire back

not sure about this one..Image via Wikipedia
Bringing Back Your Sex Drive

For women who have lost their sex drive, this article is for you. When a woman no longer feels sexy about herself she may have a hard time being passionate with her spouse or partner. Sex may become a chore rather than a pleasure or an exciting release. Many times after a woman has had children, been in a committed relationship for a time or is approaching her late forties or fifty’s she may notice that the once fun passionate spited girl she used to be is somehow gone. The good news is that a woman can get her sexual Mojo back.

Whether you are short, fat, big, tall, small breasts, big breasts, athletic, curvy, slim, fabulous, the point is, it does not matter what you are on the outside, it matters how you feel on the inside. Sexy comes from the inside and then radiates througout your whole body sending off energy and pheromones that you may not even have realized you are capable of producing.


The very best way a woman can get back her sexual Mojo back is to get her butt moving again!

These are a few ways to exercise your body and feel sexy at the same time. When we move our bodies we not only get the cardiovascular benefit but we are also engaging our mind and body so that they work together again.

These are 6 wonderful exercises to move your butt and feel sexy at the same time.

1. Put the music on at home and start dancing, lock the bedroom door and dance your heart out. Make sure the music is sexy, raunchy and makes you want to shake your bum.

2. Grab a girl friend and go out to a club and go dancing, put on the shoes, the dress, the hair, the makeup and let loose.

3. Take up salsa dancing with your spouse or on your own, the Latin dance is sure to get the blood flowing in all the right places.

4. Go to a zumba dance class at your local gym, and shake it up.

5. Yoga is another way to get in touch with your body; it stretches women in all of the right places and makes the body more flexible and firm.

6. Pole dancing class. Get in tip top shape and feel sexy at the same time.


Get your mind to start thinking sexy thoughts that bring the sexual desire back into your body
1. Fantasize about something that turns you on.

2. Read a trashy romance novel that makes you hot.

3. Put on some sexy lingerie and heels and walk around your room, lay in your bed with satin sheets and touch yourself.

Masterbation is third on the list

In a study by Athena Science It says

"A woman who has regular sex with her partner or even is sexual with herself will release more sexual pheromones to the opposite sex, “Cutler's other studies show women who have sex with men at least once a week have regular menstrual cycles and fewer fertility and menopause problems, apparently because of exposure to pheromones.”

4. Touch your body regularly.

5. Get your self turned on, by using sex toys or even with your own hand, there is nothing that will put you in the mood more than to wake up body parts that have been asleep for years?

6. If you don’t use it you will lose it, this is very true for a woman, a woman must use it! Use it often on your own or with your spouse, partner, or lover.

Women I can guarantee you one thing and that is if you play with yourself often you will begin to want it more, it will create a chain reaction in your body and release hormones that need to be woken up.

7. Flirt, yes you can flirt innocently, but allow yourself to be a little flirty, womanly. One of the best ways to do this is to give a man a compliment. Try out your flirty ways on your husband, and see how it pays to give your man a compliment.

The best advice is always to be kind to yourself, love yourself and take care of yourself. Life is too short to not have experienced a great sex life, or never experience what it’s like to have passion in your life. Take charge of your inner woman and bring passion back to your body.

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