Why does sex stop after marriage for some couples

Sexless marriage is on the rise, 50% of all marriages end in divorce and the remaining couples that do hang on more than half of them live in a sexless marriage.  

What is a sexless marriage? 

It can be defined as a marriage where the couple has little to no sex every month, or in several months. This is not due to an illness or sudden event but a natural rhythm that happens over time in a marriage.

There are a few main causes for  sexless marriage, but also some proactive solutions to prevent it.

Men and women both have equal sex drives, but at different times of the day and the month. A women's sex drive varies throughout the month with highs and lows depending on ovulation and menstruation.  Men vary throughout a day with their testosterone levels being the highest in the morning and then decreasing towards the evening.  As men age they also go through a gradual decline in testosterone and move into the quality of the sexual experience rather than the frequency. 

Men and women approach sex in different ways as well,  for women sexual intimacy starts outside the bedroom, whereas with most men they can move right into sex if turned on. When looking at sex in a marriage it is more than the act of intercourse, it is the act of sexual intimacy, two people sharing a special bond. Sexual intimacy is a feeling that goes along with sex and when the couple is sexually satisfied with each other they will also feel sexual intimacy. In a woman’s monthly cycle she will go through times when she is more sexually attracted to her mate, this is when a woman should approach her husband and initiate the sex. Part of the problem for many couples is that men are the ones expected to initiate the sex, but it should be equal.

For men because the level of testosterone is at its peak in the morning, sex in the morning instead of later at night may be a better time for couples. This is where couples often make a mistake in love making; sometimes morning sex is the best sex, especially after a long day for both a man and a women where the evening may be a time of sleep.  Once recharged in the morning it may be the perfect time for making love.  Romance at night can mean hot sex in the morning, have a sexy date night, a good nights rest and then  wake up to morning passion.

One main reason for sexless marriage is the concept that once married sex is a given, and it no longer takes work and that is a sad mistake. Keeping the sex exciting and not boring in marriage does take effort but make it fun, sexy, and erotic. Couples that have a great sexual relationship will have less to argue about and the little thing usually will go away. If you are in a sexless marriage get help, sexual is natural, normal, healthy, and should be enjoyable!  With all the wonderful hormones released through mutual orgasm, it can be the glue that keeps the marriage together.  If find that your marriage has become sexless then do something about it before it is to late!

Intimacy counseling Thehappyspouse

How to tell my wife that I want to be in a Cuckold marriage

As a clinical sexologist and intimacy counselor, men ask for my advice on what to do about their fetishes.  About 80% of the men are married.  for most of the men they have had the fantasy of their fetish before marrying their wife thinking that it will go away but it does not.  One type of fetish that has intrigued me over the years is a man that wants his wife to cuckold him.  He has recurring thoughts and fantasies of his wife having sex with other men and getting pleasure from them.   The husband is usually the one who wants to get his wife involved but he does not know how to go about telling her.  Once in a while I will counsel a couple who wants to explore the cuckolding together, but it is typically the man initiating this fetish.  The idea of  Cuckolding is that it involves another man that the husband wants his wife to have sex with in front of him or hear about it after.  The husband derives much satisfaction from watching his wife get pleasure from another man that typically will have a larger than average size penis.  Another aspect about cuckolding, is the husband needing to be shamed by his wife, and one way is for her to compere his penis size with the other man and let her husband know that his penis is just to small to please her.

Other forms of shaming can go along with the cuckolding as well depending on the scope of the cuckolding session.  Some men like to be tied to a chair and forced to watch, and not allowed to touch themselves while the scenario is being played out in front of them.  Sometimes a wife will place a cock cage or chastity belt on the husband so that he is not able to masturbate.  A wife may also spank her husband as a form of deeper humiliation and domination...

The man who has this fetish, dreams about his wife sharing it with him, but for the most part most men who approach their wives with this idea do not get a positive response.  It either results into a fight, hard feeling or a trial period leading to disaster.  Some women may be more open to it than others, but the majority will not.  Husbands have asked me as a professional about how to approach their wives with their fantasy of cuckolding, and the answer is always to have a session before hand with me to understand how to approach his wife and her possible respond.  I will advise my male clients who are into the cuckolding fantasy is that they need to tell their wives slowly and see what her reaction is.  Some women are more open to the idea of cuckolding than others but unless it is approached in the right manner often time it does not go well.  The history of men telling me their stories before seeing me they did not approach their wives correctly and it closed the door for them altogether. 

The fact is that once a man is interested in this form of a fetish it is hard to stop him from thinking about it and wanting to act on it!

To set up a counseling session with Dr. Dawn Michael go to www.thehappyspouse.com

Finding solutions to your sexual problems in your relationship

One of the most difficult issues to talk about is sex in a relationship; most couples are not open with one another and get embarrassed to even broach the topic. 

Sexual needs get replaced with duty or sex that is less than fulfilling.  Many couples get into a routine where the intimacy in the marriage or relationship takes second to everything else that is going on.  As a sex and marriage counselor I often tell my clients that sex is not the act itself but how a couple can have deeper intimacy in the relationship. 

Looking at sex as an act that two people just have instead of a loving experience that the couple can enjoy tougher is part of the problem that many couples have. 

The way that many people view sex in a relationship is that..... it is part of the relationship but not a top priority.... and can be put aside for other issues or problems that may happen.  This is one of the biggest mistakes that can occur, because sex it the one area that the couple can connect with one another in a way that is personal and intimate.  The bonding that takes place through sexual intimacy is not only pleasurable but the body releases hormones that promote closeness.  The release of oxytocin and other hormones during orgasm is the same hormone released in the body when a mother gives birth and breast feeds, to promote attachment.

Taking the time to make sex in your relationship a priory and learning new ways to excite and please one another is a way to keep the intimacy and love growing over time.

Fireworks in your relationship

The fourth of July may be a fantastic way to view fireworks, but what about putting the fireworks back into a more than lack luster love life? 

Too many people in relationships, marriage have lost the fireworks in their sex life, and a few years down the line they wonder how it happened.  Life moves forward, things get busy, and the sex in the marriage takes a back seat!

Don't let another day pass you by without putting the fireworks back in your sex life:

Be proactive and make sex a priority!  .........If you don't take charge over the sex in your marriage and make it a part of your everyday life then the sex will slowly fade away over time.......

Yes!!!  Sex does take two people to engage in it and want it, but one person can change that pattern and priority of the sex in the relationship.  Make it a point to talk openly about what your expectations are for sex, intimacy, affection in the relationship.  Too many people get turned down for sex in a relationship and then instead of talking about it get angry, restful and shut down, this will only make matters worse.  Talking to each other about expectations and how to improve the overall sex, is a big part of any relationship.  Putting the fireworks back in a relationship only requires a spark!  If two people still have a sexual spark for one another then the passion can be rekindled.

Find ways to make the sex in your relationship exciting, fun, different, passionate, erotic and fulfilling..........

Ask Dawn Your sex counselor how to make sex more exciting!

Reasons why a person cheats in a marriage or relationship

Most people that cheat are not liars or habitual cheaters; there is usually a reason why a person will cheat in a marriage or relationship.  People just do not wake up in the morning and decide to go out and cheat or meet someone in a bar when they are in a happy marriage or relationship.  This leads us to the question, what are the reasons why a person cheats in a marriage or relationship.

Many times a person will cheat because of a need for more affection, attention, and sexual fulfillment in a marriage.  Other forms of cheating are a way for a person to be self-destructive and end a relationship or a bad marriage.  Unless a person is a habitual cheater or liar, cheating will not come easy to them and they will feel guilt, remorse and confusion over what they have done. 

As a sex counselor and marriage counselor, I often work with people that have cheated or are actively cheating in their relationship.  I will often say to my clients that not all relationships are worth going back to and the stress of a person leading a double life is not healthy for them, and is not fair to their spouse. 

What are the solutions or answers to this very touchy subject?   If  a person in a marriage  has made a mistake and cheated once, don’t tell your spouse about it just to clear your conscious,  there is no need to confess to a one time stupid mistake, but know that if it happens again, it was not a mistake to begin with.

The second group of cheating is actually having a lover or many lovers while in a marriage or long term committed relationship and this is where I say, end the marriage and move on, because the marriage at this point is already over and the chance of bringing home a disease to your spouse may happen and that is not acceptable.

The third suggestion that I will make to some individuals is that if they still love their spouse but are not attracted to them anymore, or not actively having sex with them, they still need to be honest and lay down the lines of communication, letting them know how they feel and telling them that an open marriage would be better or a divorce.  This gives the spouse a choice of staying under this circumstance or choosing to leave.

When a person is in a marriage or long term commitment, and is actively seeking sex outside the relationship, the sex is only part of the equation, but the lying is really the most hurtful,  chose to be honest with the your spouse and give them the opportunity to make a decision to stay or to go..

For marriage and sex counseling go to Dawn Michael M.A.

The Importance of erotic sex play in marriage

I wanted to share my exciting weekend with you at the American Association of Sexuality Educators Counselor and Therapists sexcon conference.  At this conference were some of the leading sex therapists, medical doctors, sex counsels and educators in the nation giving lectures on their new books, studies and finding into human sexuality, mating, dating and marriage.

One of the lectures that I really enjoyed was by Dr. Stella Resnick and it was about erotic sex play in marriage and the importance of how as people we often times forget that part of play, is also sex play.  She talked in detail about the hormones and chemicals that are released in the brain when we can add the fun and joy of play into sex, and how it affects the nervous system.

One of the things that married couples often forget today is to be playful with each other sexually and how this can get the arousal started in the marriage again and then the desires will follow.  She touched upon kissing and how wet kissing and making out with your spouse outside of the bed room actually will stimulate the hormones in the body and that saliva has much sex producing properties when exchanged between lovers. 

She touched on erotic play as well; opening up to erotic play with your spouse and playing out your sexual fantasies together and how different chemicals are released in the brain as well.  As a marriage and sex counselor myself I often talk about erotic play with married couples suggesting that each couple have their own sexual tool box to turn to and add to throughout the marriage.  Many studies suggest that married couples that are the happiest together have the love, the friendship, and also a fun and healthy erotic sex life.

What is your idea of a good marriage or a lasting marriage?

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The meaning of marriage in present day is not what was defined back in biblical times, the average life span of a person back then was 30 years of age and the time that they were a couple together may have been only 18 years and were dependent on each other for survival.



When two people get married in present time and the years pass, the two people that first met and fell in love are not the same people that they once were fifteen years prior, when first married. Individuals in marriage grow and change throughout life along with their understanding of whom they are and their sexuality.



This is where the idea of long term marriage may really contradict what a person is supposed to feel as human beings and what is expected of them as a couple in society. As a human race our natural life span was quite shorter than in biblical times.  In those days we married and raised kids together until they were old enough to take care of themselves (which was around 13 years of age) then we were biologicaly done and passed away or were lucky enough to live into our late 40’s or 50’s.



In the society that we live in today’s world we are expected to fit into the tradition box of marriage, stating that we have to continue to be with the person we marry until death do us part, but the reality is back at that time of the biblical concept of marriage our life with someone may have been at best a 20 year span and the dependence on one another was critical for survival.



Today being in our late 40’s and 50’s is quite different then in biblical times, and is equivalent to  late 20’s and 30’s where the average age of marriage was 13 years of age.  Today we may marry in our late 20’s but by the time we are 50 our life is no longer over but many people have a renewed sense of self and are quite different than when they first got married.



Many women in their 40’s begin to know their bodies and minds better and find themselves wanting to experience sex in new ways without stress of small children and their own freedom of financial independence.  The same goes for a man as well, his seed to reproduce is still viable at the age of 50 even though he has raised his children and been married for 18 years he still has the biological need to reproduce.  Not to say that a man necessarly wants more children but that his body and mind are still very much reproductive by nature, and the husband and wife no longer need each other to survive or raise the children.



What happens in this generation of people at this stage in their lives is that they are faced with a marital dilemma, their spouse is the person that they have a friendship with, shared experiences and financial obligations but in reality the attraction to their spouse may no longer be there. Many times these feelings of turmoil will lead a man or woman to go outside of the marriage to cheat causing them extreme guilt over what they have done and hurt their spouse, and have no real solutions to their problems.


The fact is that people live longer with newer drugs to enhance their libido, plastic surgery to enhance their appearance and ways to slow down the aging process will only continue to plague married couples in their 40’s and 50’s and eventually will become the normal evolution of society to just be in sexless unhappy marriages.



Coming up with solutions to these very real problems starts with understanding and knowing that it is quite normal to feel this way about marriage.


In a lecture series that I had the privilege to listen to a very well-known marriage counselor and sex therapist gave this explanation in one of her lectures and that is, "That married couples can have many marriages in their lives with the same person, and recognize that it is a new marriage with new feelings and the old marriage no longer works or applies, but that the couple together has decided to start a “new beginning with each other”.  I thought that was a unique and honest approach to look at marriage today.



Once the couple can honestly look at each other and say let’s put our old marriage to rest and start over on a new relationship with each other.  Then deciding to really get to know each other mentally, physically and spiritually again and be open to the fact that growth in this new marriage together can happen, or that the marriage is not able to blossom and make peace with themselves, remain friends, find a new person to have a life experience with.  


Some couples also may decide to turn to non-traditional marriage and try new forms of lifestyle changes into their marriage.  Each couple and each solution or progress may be completely different, but the one constant remains and that is the understanding that monogamy for such an extended period of time is not natural or normal and takes work.



The mindset is what will make a couple that has been together for 15 years and give them the permission to say that in fact the tradition of “marriage and monogamy is the unnatural way of life and to work in that parameter of thinking will take away the pressure of failure”.    



The conclusion of the article is not to say that marriage cannot last a life time or that two people are not capable of living in long lasting monogamous marriages, but that it is not biologically the normal evolution and that having a long term monogamous relationship takes work.  Two people that can continue to grow together and be honest about who they are and what they need to stay in a marriage may be the couple that lasts for a life time.

Please feel free to leave your comments and open a discussion on this subject, it would be a very helpful topic for many people to talk openly about.

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How a woman can get her sexual desire back

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Bringing Back Your Sex Drive

For women who have lost their sex drive, this article is for you. When a woman no longer feels sexy about herself she may have a hard time being passionate with her spouse or partner. Sex may become a chore rather than a pleasure or an exciting release. Many times after a woman has had children, been in a committed relationship for a time or is approaching her late forties or fifty’s she may notice that the once fun passionate spited girl she used to be is somehow gone. The good news is that a woman can get her sexual Mojo back.

Whether you are short, fat, big, tall, small breasts, big breasts, athletic, curvy, slim, fabulous, the point is, it does not matter what you are on the outside, it matters how you feel on the inside. Sexy comes from the inside and then radiates througout your whole body sending off energy and pheromones that you may not even have realized you are capable of producing.


The very best way a woman can get back her sexual Mojo back is to get her butt moving again!

These are a few ways to exercise your body and feel sexy at the same time. When we move our bodies we not only get the cardiovascular benefit but we are also engaging our mind and body so that they work together again.

These are 6 wonderful exercises to move your butt and feel sexy at the same time.

1. Put the music on at home and start dancing, lock the bedroom door and dance your heart out. Make sure the music is sexy, raunchy and makes you want to shake your bum.

2. Grab a girl friend and go out to a club and go dancing, put on the shoes, the dress, the hair, the makeup and let loose.

3. Take up salsa dancing with your spouse or on your own, the Latin dance is sure to get the blood flowing in all the right places.

4. Go to a zumba dance class at your local gym, and shake it up.

5. Yoga is another way to get in touch with your body; it stretches women in all of the right places and makes the body more flexible and firm.

6. Pole dancing class. Get in tip top shape and feel sexy at the same time.


Get your mind to start thinking sexy thoughts that bring the sexual desire back into your body
1. Fantasize about something that turns you on.

2. Read a trashy romance novel that makes you hot.

3. Put on some sexy lingerie and heels and walk around your room, lay in your bed with satin sheets and touch yourself.

Masterbation is third on the list

In a study by Athena Science It says

"A woman who has regular sex with her partner or even is sexual with herself will release more sexual pheromones to the opposite sex, “Cutler's other studies show women who have sex with men at least once a week have regular menstrual cycles and fewer fertility and menopause problems, apparently because of exposure to pheromones.”

4. Touch your body regularly.

5. Get your self turned on, by using sex toys or even with your own hand, there is nothing that will put you in the mood more than to wake up body parts that have been asleep for years?

6. If you don’t use it you will lose it, this is very true for a woman, a woman must use it! Use it often on your own or with your spouse, partner, or lover.

Women I can guarantee you one thing and that is if you play with yourself often you will begin to want it more, it will create a chain reaction in your body and release hormones that need to be woken up.

7. Flirt, yes you can flirt innocently, but allow yourself to be a little flirty, womanly. One of the best ways to do this is to give a man a compliment. Try out your flirty ways on your husband, and see how it pays to give your man a compliment.

The best advice is always to be kind to yourself, love yourself and take care of yourself. Life is too short to not have experienced a great sex life, or never experience what it’s like to have passion in your life. Take charge of your inner woman and bring passion back to your body.

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