Reasons why a person cheats in a marriage or relationship

Most people that cheat are not liars or habitual cheaters; there is usually a reason why a person will cheat in a marriage or relationship.  People just do not wake up in the morning and decide to go out and cheat or meet someone in a bar when they are in a happy marriage or relationship.  This leads us to the question, what are the reasons why a person cheats in a marriage or relationship.

Many times a person will cheat because of a need for more affection, attention, and sexual fulfillment in a marriage.  Other forms of cheating are a way for a person to be self-destructive and end a relationship or a bad marriage.  Unless a person is a habitual cheater or liar, cheating will not come easy to them and they will feel guilt, remorse and confusion over what they have done. 

As a sex counselor and marriage counselor, I often work with people that have cheated or are actively cheating in their relationship.  I will often say to my clients that not all relationships are worth going back to and the stress of a person leading a double life is not healthy for them, and is not fair to their spouse. 

What are the solutions or answers to this very touchy subject?   If  a person in a marriage  has made a mistake and cheated once, don’t tell your spouse about it just to clear your conscious,  there is no need to confess to a one time stupid mistake, but know that if it happens again, it was not a mistake to begin with.

The second group of cheating is actually having a lover or many lovers while in a marriage or long term committed relationship and this is where I say, end the marriage and move on, because the marriage at this point is already over and the chance of bringing home a disease to your spouse may happen and that is not acceptable.

The third suggestion that I will make to some individuals is that if they still love their spouse but are not attracted to them anymore, or not actively having sex with them, they still need to be honest and lay down the lines of communication, letting them know how they feel and telling them that an open marriage would be better or a divorce.  This gives the spouse a choice of staying under this circumstance or choosing to leave.

When a person is in a marriage or long term commitment, and is actively seeking sex outside the relationship, the sex is only part of the equation, but the lying is really the most hurtful,  chose to be honest with the your spouse and give them the opportunity to make a decision to stay or to go..

For marriage and sex counseling go to Dawn Michael M.A.

Knowing when it's time to leave a bad marriage

One of the most difficult parts about being a sex and marriage counselor is helping couples to get out of a bad marriage. 

At times people get stuck in their own situation and from the inside they are not able to see the misery that they are causing each another or the children that may be involved.

Leaving a marriage is one of the most difficult decisions that a person makes because it involves other people, and in some ways is the death of a relationship or a way of life.  The loss of a marriage can cause deep emotional pain on both a husband, wife and the children involved.

The real question is,
do you stay in a marriage that is making you a miserable person and everyone else around you for the fear that you may never find someone else or that you have failed your spouse and children?  The fear that you have just become another static in a world were commitment is no longer appreciated or treasured.

This is indeed a very personal matter and one that I believe should be looked at from all areas and come to a decision based on the well being of the entire family.  My job as a counselor sometimes is just that, to help a couple get out of a bad marriage and find a place where they can rebuild their lives again separately.

The one fact remains true and that is...... if two people have tried to stay together and worked on their marriage and keep failing ......making it a misery rather than a loving home, then the conclusion of those actions need to be measured and decided upon.

Life is about living not dying or living as a zombie without love or passion in a marriage, staying together for the sake of the children or the principal of marriage itself.

 For marriage and sex counseling

How to solve sexual problems in marriage

Marriage and Sex

For many couples at one point or another in their marriage they are going to experience some form of sexual problem or dissatisfaction.

This may take place shortly after the couple is married, after a child is born, from an illness, hormonal issues, lack of libido, or one partner just does not want to have sex. Solving sexual problems in a marriage can range from complex to quite simple.

How to resolve sexual problems in a marriage

The best way to resolve sexual problems in the marriage is to start with each spouse being honest and upfront with one another about how they feel. A good healthy sex life is one that both couples are happy with, that is what defines a good healthy sex life. Couples that are married, if they enjoy sex with their spouse, are healthy, active individuals, sex can be enjoyed several times a week if not every day. It really depends on the couple.

When trying to resolve a set amount of time for sex in the marriage sometimes it is best to come up with an agreement between husband and wife on what both feels comfortable with one another. The sex does not always have to involve intercourse; it can be just be pleasing one another through other forms of intimacy. This is important to understand, and that is intimacy and pleasing a spouse can be done in many different ways, hands, mouth, massage ect.

Once children become a part of the marriage, couples have to set time aside for themselves and their intimate lives, this may not sound so romantic or spontaneous, but if the couple does not make time for the sex in the marriage, they may end up not having one!

Having children can change the sex life in a marriage

Having children can be the most wonderful experience in a marriage, and also a time of adjustment in the marriage as well. The couple now is no longer just two, they share each other with the child but still have to make time for the marriage. The couples sex life will also change when a child is born.

A woman who is a new mom is going to need time to adjust to the situation and learn how to balance out her time between her husband and child. This is also the time when a husband needs to give his wife the support and time to do this and not approach her with sex until she is ready.

As a marriage and sex counselor I am very tough on many women about being intimate with their husbands and how important it is, and I am equally tough on the husbands who do not give their wives times to heal from pregnancy. Many husbands think that when the OBGYN has given their wife the green light that it is time to be sexual with their wife again. This is not the decision of the OBGYN but the woman herself and how she may feel.

Image by biblicone via Flickr

After three months, most woman should be more than ready to be sexual with their husbands, after three months if a woman is not wanting to be intimate with her husband, then she does need to get her hormones checked. Three months is more than enough time for a women with a normal pregnancy to heal and adjust.

A woman may also experience times when she really wants sex and other times when she can’t even think about it. Many times when a new mom is nursing her child she will experience difficulties wanting to be sexually active with her husband. If this situation goes on for too long and a woman has not found other ways to please her husband within that year period, a high incidence of infidelity can take place on many husbands parts, it just a fact (not all husbands but many will venture out after a year of no sex).

All of this can have a negative impact on the couple’s sex life and needs to be addressed. Seeking medical advice first to understand if there is a medical condition is the first step . For many women hormones can have a direct affect on ones libido and some hormone replacement or a good exercise routine can help to level out the hormones. There are also creams that women can use and lubricants for vaginal dryness.

The best advice when trying to solve sexual problems in a marriage is if one spouse is unwilling to talk about it or deal with the situation the other spouse has to talk to a professional about it. One person thorough technique and proper understanding can have the power to change the dynamics in the marriage.

Lack of sex, unfulfilled sex, not getting your needs met, having no intimacy can be a life of misery for many individuals in a marriage and it doesn’t have to be this way and shouldn’t have to be this way. Marriage can work once the problem is understood and finding the right person to help the couple work to become intimate again will help to save many marriages.