Women and Orgasm: Reasons why some women can’t achieve orgasm during sex

As a sex therapist, and marriage counselor, many OBGYN’S and doctors refer me female patients that are not able to have an orgasm in their marriage or relationship. The amount of women that are pre-orgasmic is staggering, and those are the women who talk about it.

Many women live in marriages for years without having orgasms with their husbands, suffering in silence.

Our bodies create a natural hormone called oxytocin and that hormone is released during orgasm, nipple play, and during birth. Oxytocin is released when a woman has an orgasm during intercourse or even during foreplay. It promotes bonding in the couple, a calming effect and a natural pain killer. When a woman can have regular orgasms with her partner then she will want to have more and frequent sex with him. She will also feel closer to him, more loving and attached.

The opposite is true of women who don’t have regular orgasms with their partner; they become less interested in sex, more distant, and even resentful. This can cause great emotional pain in a woman; feeling that she is not able to enjoy sex or that there is something wrong with her. Orgasms for women can be a process and complicated at times. A woman’s body and natural response to sex is directly related to the mind and body connection along with hormone level fluctuation during her monthly cycle.

Facts and solutions concerning orgasm

Fact 1:

Lubrication is a necessity, having a dry vagina is not going to promote healthy sexual release, having a well lubricated vagina is always recommended.

Fact 2:

For the average women to bring herself to an orgasm or a partner involved, it takes 20 minute or more. A woman needs to be stimulated properly for at least twenty minute to have her vulvas (vagina) prepared and ready to orgasm.

Fact 3: Direct clitoral stimulation during intercourse is one of the ways a woman can achieve orgasm, 70% of women during intercourse alone without direct stimulation will not orgasm.

Fact 4: Starting intercourse before a woman’s vagina has lengthen and prepared it self for penetrating can be another factor in why a woman will not be able to have an orgasm. It takes time for a woman’s vagina to flower.

My recommendation to any woman who has not been able to achieve an orgasm here are a few solutions.

1. A woman is responsible for teaching herself how to have an orgasm through masturbation then she can show her partner.

2. Do not have intercourse until you are ready and this does not mean wet, it means that your vagina has flowered, taken the time to open up like a flower.

3. Relax and allow your mind to enjoy the experience, don’t put pressure yourself to have an orgasm.

4. Take charge of your clitoris; rub it yourself during intercourse to bring yourself to and orgasm if necessary.

5. Tell your spouse or partner when the experience is not what you are enjoying, move to a different position, add the lubrication, or start the foreplay over. A woman can have many orgasms so having your fist one before intercourse will insure that the vagina is ready to receive the joy of penetration.

Having regular orgasms can help with depression and better health

One natural way to help with depression or even bouts of sadness is  having regular orgasms.  Orgasms are one of the most powerful natural stress releases in the body.  When an individual has an orgasm not only does is it make the heart pump blood throughout the body, but it also promotes better cardio vascular health.  Orgasms burns calories, "so that ice cream eaten after dinner can be worked off by having multiple orgasms later."

The natural hormones that are released during  an orgasm relieve pain both physically and mentally, creating a calming effect on the entire bodies system. 

As for Health

“A 1997 study in the British Medical Journal ^[64] based upon 918 men age 45–59 found that after a ten year follow-up, men who had fewer orgasms were twice as likely to die of any cause as those having two or more orgasms a week. A follow-up in 2001 which focused more specifically on cardiovascular health found that having sex three or more times a week was associated with a 50% reduction in the risk of heart attack or stroke.  Having orgasms also affects the limbic system in the brain releasing oxytocin and other calming hormones.”

Orgasm can be enjoyed during self-stimulation (masturbation) or with a partner.

 Orgasm with another person during intercourse or foreplay can also promote bonding and deeper affection towards one another.  Orgasm relieves mild depression and the blues in many people.

The new saying should be “several orgasms a day will help to keep the doctor away”

For more information on orgasms, health and other sexual related issues contact Dawn Michael

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Sexual differences in marriage and how to work through them

When you have been married for some time and the sex in the marriage has gotten routine, maybe even a little boring what do most couples do?

The reality of the situation is that most couples don't do anything about it with each other because one spouse may be completely content and the other maybe unhappy. This happens more often than not in long term relationships where the sex drive, desire and frequency of sex is not what one person wants, but their partner seems to be fine with it and can happen with both men and women.

This usually is not a sudden realization but one that takes place over a period of time and then at one point or another just becomes unbearable for one spouse.

As a sex counselor and marriage counselor, I recommend that couples heading down that road of disaster to take the time and talk about it before it gets to the point where resentmeant and cheating takes over.

If that time has already come and gone and you are the spouse who is miserable, and unhappy then something needs to be done and that is to get help from a sex counselor or sex coach that understands human sexuality.

Sex coaching and counseling is much different then marriage counseling because it is solution based and deals directly with sexual issues, sexual health, techniques, fetish's, fantasy, sex drive, hormones and other issues. Sex counsling can be done as a couple or individual, but one thing is certain everyone deserves to have a healthy happy sex life!

The Importance of erotic sex play in marriage

I wanted to share my exciting weekend with you at the American Association of Sexuality Educators Counselor and Therapists sexcon conference.  At this conference were some of the leading sex therapists, medical doctors, sex counsels and educators in the nation giving lectures on their new books, studies and finding into human sexuality, mating, dating and marriage.

One of the lectures that I really enjoyed was by Dr. Stella Resnick and it was about erotic sex play in marriage and the importance of how as people we often times forget that part of play, is also sex play.  She talked in detail about the hormones and chemicals that are released in the brain when we can add the fun and joy of play into sex, and how it affects the nervous system.

One of the things that married couples often forget today is to be playful with each other sexually and how this can get the arousal started in the marriage again and then the desires will follow.  She touched upon kissing and how wet kissing and making out with your spouse outside of the bed room actually will stimulate the hormones in the body and that saliva has much sex producing properties when exchanged between lovers. 

She touched on erotic play as well; opening up to erotic play with your spouse and playing out your sexual fantasies together and how different chemicals are released in the brain as well.  As a marriage and sex counselor myself I often talk about erotic play with married couples suggesting that each couple have their own sexual tool box to turn to and add to throughout the marriage.  Many studies suggest that married couples that are the happiest together have the love, the friendship, and also a fun and healthy erotic sex life.

Married couples who have a sexual tool box

Image via Wikipedia

What is a sexual tool box for married couples you may ask?

This is the box or place, drawer, cabinet, closet, that you keep your stash of toys and goodies that you and your spouse share with each other in the bedroom. I believe that every married couple should have a sexual tool box and they should fill it with their own unique stash of goodies that they have selected just for each other to use together. This sexual tool box does not have to start off with every sexual gadget in the world, in fact it can have no sexual gadgets in it at all, but of course that would not be as fun.

The reason that a sexual tool box is so absolutely wonderful to have as a married couples is it shows that you and your spouse know how to really enjoy each other sexually and have come to the point in your marriage where you feel open enough to try new things. You may ask what goes into a couple’s sexual tool box and of course this would depend on each couple and how long they have had their tool box for. Some couples have fun sex games, sexy outfits, lubricants of course, sex toys if they like, massage oils, erotic novels that can be read together, sexy DVD’s, the sky’s the limit with what couples can put into their sexual tool box. There may even be a few different types of tool boxes for unique occasions during the month.

If you don’t have a sexual tool box in your marriage, there is no need to feel bad about it or that you are missing out and you may even be the type of married couple who just likes to enjoy each other without any additives, but those that want to add a little passion to the sex in the marriage, creating a sexual tool box with your spouse can be a lot of fun. One place to get started is of course with lubrication or other stimulating gels, these are product that as we age almost all married couples will have to purchase at one time or another. The sexual tool box can be filled with lingerie and stocking, sashes and belts, fun bondage accessories and of course there are adult toys. There are all sorts of Vibrators such as the

 Rabbit Vibrators, clitoral vibrator ,  dildo vibrators,  g-spot vibrator, mini vibrators, Toy Friend

The list goes on and on.  Many couples can also get started by getting a lovers beginners kit such as:  Nouveau Lovers Kit, Regard Indiscret , Agent Secret , Lure Shower Seduction and more.

The point of the sexual tool box is that you and your spouse share it together, it is your secret box that you have when you want to add a little spice or passion to the sex play in your marriage. 

  

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How a woman can get her sexual desire back

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Bringing Back Your Sex Drive

For women who have lost their sex drive, this article is for you. When a woman no longer feels sexy about herself she may have a hard time being passionate with her spouse or partner. Sex may become a chore rather than a pleasure or an exciting release. Many times after a woman has had children, been in a committed relationship for a time or is approaching her late forties or fifty’s she may notice that the once fun passionate spited girl she used to be is somehow gone. The good news is that a woman can get her sexual Mojo back.

Whether you are short, fat, big, tall, small breasts, big breasts, athletic, curvy, slim, fabulous, the point is, it does not matter what you are on the outside, it matters how you feel on the inside. Sexy comes from the inside and then radiates througout your whole body sending off energy and pheromones that you may not even have realized you are capable of producing.


The very best way a woman can get back her sexual Mojo back is to get her butt moving again!

These are a few ways to exercise your body and feel sexy at the same time. When we move our bodies we not only get the cardiovascular benefit but we are also engaging our mind and body so that they work together again.

These are 6 wonderful exercises to move your butt and feel sexy at the same time.

1. Put the music on at home and start dancing, lock the bedroom door and dance your heart out. Make sure the music is sexy, raunchy and makes you want to shake your bum.

2. Grab a girl friend and go out to a club and go dancing, put on the shoes, the dress, the hair, the makeup and let loose.

3. Take up salsa dancing with your spouse or on your own, the Latin dance is sure to get the blood flowing in all the right places.

4. Go to a zumba dance class at your local gym, and shake it up.

5. Yoga is another way to get in touch with your body; it stretches women in all of the right places and makes the body more flexible and firm.

6. Pole dancing class. Get in tip top shape and feel sexy at the same time.


Get your mind to start thinking sexy thoughts that bring the sexual desire back into your body
1. Fantasize about something that turns you on.

2. Read a trashy romance novel that makes you hot.

3. Put on some sexy lingerie and heels and walk around your room, lay in your bed with satin sheets and touch yourself.

Masterbation is third on the list

In a study by Athena Science It says

"A woman who has regular sex with her partner or even is sexual with herself will release more sexual pheromones to the opposite sex, “Cutler's other studies show women who have sex with men at least once a week have regular menstrual cycles and fewer fertility and menopause problems, apparently because of exposure to pheromones.”

4. Touch your body regularly.

5. Get your self turned on, by using sex toys or even with your own hand, there is nothing that will put you in the mood more than to wake up body parts that have been asleep for years?

6. If you don’t use it you will lose it, this is very true for a woman, a woman must use it! Use it often on your own or with your spouse, partner, or lover.

Women I can guarantee you one thing and that is if you play with yourself often you will begin to want it more, it will create a chain reaction in your body and release hormones that need to be woken up.

7. Flirt, yes you can flirt innocently, but allow yourself to be a little flirty, womanly. One of the best ways to do this is to give a man a compliment. Try out your flirty ways on your husband, and see how it pays to give your man a compliment.

The best advice is always to be kind to yourself, love yourself and take care of yourself. Life is too short to not have experienced a great sex life, or never experience what it’s like to have passion in your life. Take charge of your inner woman and bring passion back to your body.

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The three silent killers that destroy marriage overtime

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Beyond the idea of love, friendship and even sexual intimacy, (which is one part of marriage.) there are three elements in a marriage that gradually over time may become a silent killer and lead to divorce.

The reason that these three elements become a silent killer in marriage is because they happen gradually overtime and without the married couple even realizing what is happening.

They are:

1.  A loss of respect for one another.

2.  No longer showing appreciation towards one another.

3. Showing little to no affection towards one another in the marriage.

The problem occurs as time goes by and married couples forget to nurture their marriage. Often times one assumes that those three elements are in place: Respect, appreciation and affection but surprisingly they no longer exist in the marriage. To understand that there is a problem to begin with is the first step towards fixing it. The next step is to bring the respect back into the marriage and appreciate the little things. Make an effort to show more affection towards your spouse.

To read more:
The three silent killers of marriage that may lead to divorce - Los Angeles Love and marriage Examiner.com

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How to solve sexual problems in marriage

Marriage and Sex

For many couples at one point or another in their marriage they are going to experience some form of sexual problem or dissatisfaction.

This may take place shortly after the couple is married, after a child is born, from an illness, hormonal issues, lack of libido, or one partner just does not want to have sex. Solving sexual problems in a marriage can range from complex to quite simple.

How to resolve sexual problems in a marriage

The best way to resolve sexual problems in the marriage is to start with each spouse being honest and upfront with one another about how they feel. A good healthy sex life is one that both couples are happy with, that is what defines a good healthy sex life. Couples that are married, if they enjoy sex with their spouse, are healthy, active individuals, sex can be enjoyed several times a week if not every day. It really depends on the couple.

When trying to resolve a set amount of time for sex in the marriage sometimes it is best to come up with an agreement between husband and wife on what both feels comfortable with one another. The sex does not always have to involve intercourse; it can be just be pleasing one another through other forms of intimacy. This is important to understand, and that is intimacy and pleasing a spouse can be done in many different ways, hands, mouth, massage ect.

Once children become a part of the marriage, couples have to set time aside for themselves and their intimate lives, this may not sound so romantic or spontaneous, but if the couple does not make time for the sex in the marriage, they may end up not having one!

Having children can change the sex life in a marriage

Having children can be the most wonderful experience in a marriage, and also a time of adjustment in the marriage as well. The couple now is no longer just two, they share each other with the child but still have to make time for the marriage. The couples sex life will also change when a child is born.

A woman who is a new mom is going to need time to adjust to the situation and learn how to balance out her time between her husband and child. This is also the time when a husband needs to give his wife the support and time to do this and not approach her with sex until she is ready.

As a marriage and sex counselor I am very tough on many women about being intimate with their husbands and how important it is, and I am equally tough on the husbands who do not give their wives times to heal from pregnancy. Many husbands think that when the OBGYN has given their wife the green light that it is time to be sexual with their wife again. This is not the decision of the OBGYN but the woman herself and how she may feel.

Image by biblicone via Flickr

After three months, most woman should be more than ready to be sexual with their husbands, after three months if a woman is not wanting to be intimate with her husband, then she does need to get her hormones checked. Three months is more than enough time for a women with a normal pregnancy to heal and adjust.

A woman may also experience times when she really wants sex and other times when she can’t even think about it. Many times when a new mom is nursing her child she will experience difficulties wanting to be sexually active with her husband. If this situation goes on for too long and a woman has not found other ways to please her husband within that year period, a high incidence of infidelity can take place on many husbands parts, it just a fact (not all husbands but many will venture out after a year of no sex).

All of this can have a negative impact on the couple’s sex life and needs to be addressed. Seeking medical advice first to understand if there is a medical condition is the first step . For many women hormones can have a direct affect on ones libido and some hormone replacement or a good exercise routine can help to level out the hormones. There are also creams that women can use and lubricants for vaginal dryness.

The best advice when trying to solve sexual problems in a marriage is if one spouse is unwilling to talk about it or deal with the situation the other spouse has to talk to a professional about it. One person thorough technique and proper understanding can have the power to change the dynamics in the marriage.

Lack of sex, unfulfilled sex, not getting your needs met, having no intimacy can be a life of misery for many individuals in a marriage and it doesn’t have to be this way and shouldn’t have to be this way. Marriage can work once the problem is understood and finding the right person to help the couple work to become intimate again will help to save many marriages.