Married Men Sex Survey-Results

In our society there is a myth that men don't like it when a woman takes over in the bedroom.  In hope of demystifying this myth and help couples to improve their sex lives, I set out on a journey to get information from men around the world.  As I gather information for my new book I will share it with you to gain more insight on this myth.  As a means to gather more information about sex in marriage, please feel free to leave comments and join this blog to get new updated surveys and results.    Those of you who took the survey, I want to thank-you! 

Now is the time to leave your comment and expand on your questions.  As you read the results below, it becomes very clear that most of the men do like it when their wife initiates sex.  For women reading this article I am hopeful that this information will help you to better understand your husband.  The other overwhelming answers that most men agree with is that they would like their wife to initiate sex more often.  They felt that their wives wanted to initiate sex but may be shy about asking for it. 

In my new book "My Husband Wont Have Sex With Me"  We discuss some possible reasons why men may get turned off or frustrated with sex in marriage, leading to cheating or watching pornography instead of dealing with the continued rejection of their spouse.  For women who may think that men don't like women to initiate this is not true as most men do.  Men want to know how to please their wives and a woman expressing this to them is a huge turn on!
As far as men watching pornography most men would rather have sex with their wives, but will turn to pornography when their wives are not available.  This was the result for the below question "I would like to have sex everyday with my wife, but when we don't I use porn to satisfy myself and she knows about it."   29%

View Results
https://www.surveymonkey.com/results/SM-KC828HNW/

How to achieve an orgasm during intercourse for a woman

Most women are not able to achieve an orgasm during intercourse without direct clitoral stimulation.  Women assume that there is something wrong with them because they are not able to have an orgasm during intercourse.  Unless a women spontaneously has one (which is far and few), a woman must learn how to do it.  It is possible to have an orgasm during intercourse by a woman positioning herself where the mans penis is directly stimulating her clitoris.  That is just the first step, the second step is connecting her body to her mind and being excited enough to get to that point where she is able to let go.

In my practice as a clinical sexologist and marriage counselor this is one of the exercises that I teach couples how to do so that a women can enjoy many orgasms during intercourse without the need of a vibrator or even direct clitoral stimulation with a finger.  The female body is amazing, releasing all of the natural hormones and chemicals associated with her orgasm .

Continued orgasm with a partner will increase the pleasure for both a man and women also enhancing the bond between them. 

 It is the bodies natural drug for women wanting to stay attached to their partners and come back for more.  The opposite is also true if a women is having sexual intercourse for many years and not orgasmic this will lead to increased frustration and a lack of desire with her partner.

For a women to get to the point where she is able to enjoy orgasm through intercourse there are a few major components that go into it.  This is both psychological and physical in nature. 

A women's sexual desire is related to her partner in many ways, does she feel safe with him? Is she attracted to him?  Is she turned on by him?  Does she feel comfortable sexually with him?  All of this contributes to her having an orgasm. 

In a situation like this when I work with couples I give them a series of exercises to do at home, then ask for them to report back on the progress.  Much of what we discuss is also on the anatomy of the body, how a body functions sexually, and for women it can be quite complicated.  One of the biggest mistakes that couples do is rush into intercourse, not allowing the female body to to expand and be ready to accept penetration.  This can involve the female mind and her concerns with the relationship, desire and wanting to be penetrated. 

After several sessions of intimacy counseling couples get to know each others bodies well enough to know when intercourse should happen and the positions that are best involved in helping a women to reach orgasm during intercourse.  For some women it is different than others as well as the angle and size of her partners penis.  Some women may also have a tipped uterus and it can be tipped up or down or not at all.  The most important factor is to take the time to get educated on how the sexual body and mind work and begin to incorporate it into ones sex life.  There is nothing better in a relationship than having wonderful intimate sex, where a couple can connect on a deeper level. 

For more information on intimacy counselingDawn Michael at The Happy Spouse
contact

When a man is naturally submissive in the bedroom

I had a session with a man who wanted to know how to become more dominant in the bedroom with his wife.  He stated that he had overwhelming fantasies of being told what to do by his wife, but he knew that she would never partake in this type of sex play.  He was struggling with maintaining an erection as well stating that his desire to be submissive to her and to only bring her pleasure was all her could think about.

I suggested to him a few exercises that him and his wife could do, so that he was not always the one having to initiate sex.

Another topic of discussion came up about the feelings he had about being submissive and that they were not likely to go away.  Most of the time if you are a true submissive that is your natural personality, in the bedroom.  Many times people try to deny there sexual preferences or fetishes making them more predominate than they need to be.

He explained that this was a true statement for him, as he tried to control his sexual desire to be submissive only to fall deeper into the fetish admitting that he had gone as far as seeking out a dominatrix to control him and punish him.  After seeing her he felt so guilty that it sent him into a spiral of denying himself any pleasure at all, and therefore unable to even get or maintain an erection with his wife.  Thus resulting in her not being pleased by him, and her crying to him that he was not attracted to her anymore.

What a mess!!!!

In the end after several sessions with him and then some couples intimacy counseling, we were able to fix their sex life.  When his wife was able to enjoy her sessions of controlling the sex play, she found out that she enjoyed it.  She was able to tell her husband what to do and how to please her, she began to feel more comfortable with their sex life and he was able to maintain a stronger longer erection.

Can sex get better with age?

In many cases sex can become more intimate as we get older rather then just a quick roll in the hay.  For men this becomes even more prevalent as they age and mature because their testosterone levels calm down enough for them to evaluate a potential sex partner.  Sex can also become more exploratory, and less instinctual as our brains mature with our bodies.

For most people the connection that comes with having a consistent sexual partner can be very gratifying rather then just a one night stand or sex buddy.  The intimate connection is what makes ordinary sex into extraordinary sex.  As we get older as well we get to know our bodies bodies better, this is epically true for women.  Many times a woman in her twenties does not really understand what turns her on or may have difficulty achieving orgasm.  For a younger man he may have not taken the time to learn how to enjoy a woman he is with and the sexual pleasure that comes from knowing how to please her.

The answer to the title of the article is absolutely yes, sex can and does get better with age, but many couples who have been in long term relationships also have to realize that it may take some work to get there.

Unconventional relationship advice for couples living in a sexless marriage

This article is about unconventional advice for couples living in a monogamous sexless marriage, that are looking for answers.

A few of the suggested solutions are not typical advice, so read on and find out what couples are doing to stay married. Some of the suggestions may be controversial and some are quite unconventional, but if staying married is your only option than it is worth a try.

Divorce is costly, emotionally draining, and sometimes not the right choice, but on the other hand living in a sexless marriage until death do we part is not a place most people are wanting to live in either  

                   These are a few unconventional suggestions:         

      Couples sex retreat   

              Couple's sex retreat can be a wonderful way to spend a week where couples can understand and get to know each other intimately again. As our minds and bodies mature our sex drive changes along with what will turn us on and turn us off. At the retreat, there are classes and information on how to get the passion back in the relationship.

It is also a wonderful way to meet new people and hear about their stories experiences and ways that they have improved their marriage.

Couples more often than not have forgotten or never really spoke openly to each other about sex. Many time just learning simple techniques of healthy communication can improve the marriage.         

                                  

Couples Retreat

Sex Counseling and Marriage Retreat Center in Vermont | Sexploration Three-Day Retreat Program

Counseling couples for over 25 years, we have specific training in marriage therapy, sex therapy, and marriage repair.Sex Therapy

Get help from a professional Sex Therapist

This is not a therapist or traditional marriage counselor, but a trained professional in the area of clinical sexology. Sex therapy can provide couples relationships with suggestions on better communication, techniques to enhance the sex in the marriage and bring the couple closer together on a more intimate level.      

               

Let's Talk about Sex

Dawn Michael M.A.

powered by Youtube

       An open marriage   

              This may not be the most conventional way to save a marriage, but if one person in the marriage is just not willing to be sexual anymore but there is still the love between the couple then an open marriage may be a solution.

Many times one or more of the individuals in the marriage is already in an outside relationship but just hiding it from their spouse. If the couple can come clean with the affair and both can come to some agreement on what can and cannot be permitted, sometimes this type of marriage can endure the test of time.  

                 

 See a sex surrogate  

              Some people may be shocked when recommending a sex surrogate, but believe it or not it has saved some marriages from divorce and given a person the sexual knowledge and freedom to start to want to have sex again.

IPSA's Surrogate Partner Therapy is based on the successful methods of Masters and Johnson. The surrogate participates with the client in structured and unstructured experiences designed to build client self-awareness. The skills are in the areas of physical and emotional intimacy. Sex surrogates work hand in hand with therapist, doctors and other medical professionals to build a system that is designed to help the couple or individual in a holistic approach.        

        Surrogate Partner Therapy IPSA

IPSA International Professional Surrogates Association Search

Using erotica to stimulate the sex in marriage 

Sex is not a given when married, it just does not get better or stay good if not worked on. The human mind gets board after many years with the same partner in the same position. This is one of the main reasons why so many men turn to porn. The result is him watching porn to get off and her wondering what happened to the sex in the marriage. This can also happen in reverse, where she is no longer turned on, has a lack of desire and no idea how to get it back. One way to jump start or rekindle the passion again is to slowly get to know each other by talking first about sex, exploring each others minds, talking about fantasies, expanding the options of erotica used together.

One way to add some fun into the sex is to bring in sex toys, erotic novels, erotic movies that husband and wife can both enjoy together. Spend time kissing, massaging each other, finding new erotic areas on the body. Use the sex toys to massage each other on places throughout the body, neck, nipples, belly, down in between the thighs, under the back side...enjoy each other and have fun.             

                

Lets talk about "Sex Toys"

Dawn Michael M.A.

powered by Youtube

  

Join a swingers club 

For all of those who are not aware of swingers clubs, it is where you meet other married couples and you experience sexual experience with them or infront of them. It can also be a place where a married couple can go together and just watch as well.

This is one way to spark a libido and maybe meet some new friends. This life style is certainly not for everyone, but on the list of recommendations it does have it place. There have been many married couples living in sexless marriages that have gone to one of these events or two and it sparked the desire back into their marriage. In fact some couples went and then decided that maybe the single life was not for them and they really wanted to work on the marriage. Trying new things with your spouse that is a little sexy may be all that it takes to get the engines going again.    

 

Understanding the options   

             

Theses six suggestions are for couples who live in a sexless unhappy marriage and are thinking about getting a divorce. Many times when couples can go outside of their comfort zone and try new adventures together it can bring back the feelings that they once shared.

Start to have fun again with your spouse, enjoy greater intimacy. Getting a divorce is expensive, emotionally draining and if kids are involved complicated, so why not just try new suggestions to save the marriage before taking the enormous task of ending it. Sexual intimacy in marriage is as important as any other part of a marriage, and it starts with communication.          

      

Comments

• 
  Howcanigetagirlfriend                             

  Well done on suggesting that people explore every avenue BEFORE divorce... to many people split up only to regret it later.
• 
  msarticlereader                  

  I agree with your suggestions related to seeking therapy. Reason being, a lot of couples don't consider that erectile dysfunction (ED) could be the cause of their sexless marriage. ED affects a man mentally and has both physical and psychological causes. If a man is not familiar with erectile dysfunction, he might interpret his impotence as failing desire in his mate. Conversely, if his partner lacks knowledge about ED, he or she may assume the blame or suspect the other being guilty (ie, cheating). I am not saying erectile dysfunction is always the cause of a sexless marriage. However, lack of sex doesn't mean the problem lies within the relationship. Therapy is crucial to determine the cause. A good therapist will with work with the couple's doctor to rule out psychological and medical reasons for the sexless marriage.
• 
  SDiggs                  

  These are some really great ideas, and it is very refreshing to read these ideas. I think that the swingers club in particular could really help a lot of couples put the fire back in the bedroom. However I think in many cases one's spouse might not be that adventerous, which is unfortunate.
• 
  dawnmichael                                

  Thank you for your comment, it is a solution for couples who have tried the convention route and are still unhappy, it is not for everyone but it is a suggestion. :)
• 
  JoyKitten                            

  I love your lens! Sex is an important part of a marriage or long term relationship, but it's not everything. Throughout our lives our sexual urges will ebb and flow; rarely at the same rhythm as our partners.
  
  You've listed wonderful options that most people (especially women) tend to rule out. Husbands who aren't 'getting enough' from their wives HAVE thought about these options, but most dare not speak of them to their spouse for fear of dire repercussions. How tragic.
  
  Girls have been raised on fairy tales and nonsense about how our Prince Charming is going to be our end-all-be-all. RUBBISH! Women need to open up, embrace their sexuality AND allow their men to explore theirs too, thereby creating more intimacy and love than they could ever believe possible. Most women's sexual frame of reference is very narrow. How very sad for them, and their spouse =(
  
  There is another safe option that you've overlooked. It's sexual webcamming. As a woman who practices this form of intimate entertainment, I speak with authority. It's safe for both parties, both reap the satisfaction of a visual and auditory experience, you are in fact interacting with an attractive
  partner who is enjoying themselves as much as you are. Really, how much better can it get than that?! In my case I've actually developed a professional practice. I'm a webcam courtesan. I have men who, for whatever reason are without a partner, or they're with a partner who is unable or unwilling to participate in sex with them. Men who are aching for sexual contact and fulfillment. Is spending intimate time talking and playing with me on my webcam as satisfying as actual sexual intercourse and all that goes with it? Certainly not, but it is a whole lot more satisfying to have a real conversation while watching streaming video in real-time, than watching some flat, recorded video or looking at still images on a page.
  
  In my experience, the majority of men are really nice and sometimes absolutely adorable (think Tom Cruise or Brad Pitt); most of their requests are 'normal'. Some are a little more off the wall, fetishes or role play scenarios, and I really enjoy exploring those topics. After all, it's just fantasy.
  
  I hoped this opened your eyes to a safe, satisfying and generally overlooked option for healthy sexual expression.
• 
  Little Me                                

  Great list! I was hoping to see erotic submission in the form of cuckolding and male chastity play on this list of alternative solutions to a sexless marriage. Maybe that will have wait for the article titled "Kinky Solutions to a Sexless Marriage." ;)
• 
  dawnmichael                                

  Ha love it you gave me a new title for a great article...lol but that one would have to go on my blog...not acceptable for this site thanks for comment!
• 
  Chouquette                  

  interesting solutions to an age old problem

           

    

Are you missing the sexual intimacy in your marriage?

 

As a clinical sexologist, I work with couples on their intimate lives, rather than on the "marriage" meaning we look at the relationship from the core of sexual intimacy.  My belief as a counselor is that if couples have lost the intimacy in the marriage, then they basically are just roommates, partners or at best "just friends".  Sexual intimacy in a marriage is what makes it a "marriage"!  Most people would not have gotten into marriage to begin with if there was no sexual intimacy.

What is sexual intimacy? 

Sex is different than intimacy, people can preform the act of sex without it becoming an emotional experience, especially couples that have been with one another for some time and view sex as a chore, or have to get it over with.  Sexual intimacy is about bonding, making love, being connected to on another on a very personal level.  The term making love is still a wonderful way to talk about sexual intimacy, and that is being in the moment with your spouse as the two of you are having sex and emotionally connecting.

My work as a clinical sexologist is to help couples find the sexual intimacy in their marriage that they may have lost, forgotten, or perhaps never had.  I teach couples how to get to know each other on a deeper level, by exploring touch and intimate moments in a new way.  The program is set up for couples that are committed to working on the marriage and that is the sexual intimacy in the marriage.

I ask couples each week to do home assignments that involve getting to know each others bodies again in a non-threatening way, as well as to talk openly about the experience.  Each week we check in and talk about the experience.  The most wonderful part is that many times other areas of concern in the marriage go away, or the couple is able to talk more openly about the issues.  I call this type of counseling marriage therapy from the inside out.  Couples learn to love each other again, the marriage takes on a new flavor and the boning between the two is stronger as they get to know each other once again.

 

Why does sex stop after marriage for some couples

Sexless marriage is on the rise, 50% of all marriages end in divorce and the remaining couples that do hang on more than half of them live in a sexless marriage.  

What is a sexless marriage? 

It can be defined as a marriage where the couple has little to no sex every month, or in several months. This is not due to an illness or sudden event but a natural rhythm that happens over time in a marriage.

There are a few main causes for  sexless marriage, but also some proactive solutions to prevent it.

Men and women both have equal sex drives, but at different times of the day and the month. A women's sex drive varies throughout the month with highs and lows depending on ovulation and menstruation.  Men vary throughout a day with their testosterone levels being the highest in the morning and then decreasing towards the evening.  As men age they also go through a gradual decline in testosterone and move into the quality of the sexual experience rather than the frequency. 

Men and women approach sex in different ways as well,  for women sexual intimacy starts outside the bedroom, whereas with most men they can move right into sex if turned on. When looking at sex in a marriage it is more than the act of intercourse, it is the act of sexual intimacy, two people sharing a special bond. Sexual intimacy is a feeling that goes along with sex and when the couple is sexually satisfied with each other they will also feel sexual intimacy. In a woman’s monthly cycle she will go through times when she is more sexually attracted to her mate, this is when a woman should approach her husband and initiate the sex. Part of the problem for many couples is that men are the ones expected to initiate the sex, but it should be equal.

For men because the level of testosterone is at its peak in the morning, sex in the morning instead of later at night may be a better time for couples. This is where couples often make a mistake in love making; sometimes morning sex is the best sex, especially after a long day for both a man and a women where the evening may be a time of sleep.  Once recharged in the morning it may be the perfect time for making love.  Romance at night can mean hot sex in the morning, have a sexy date night, a good nights rest and then  wake up to morning passion.

One main reason for sexless marriage is the concept that once married sex is a given, and it no longer takes work and that is a sad mistake. Keeping the sex exciting and not boring in marriage does take effort but make it fun, sexy, and erotic. Couples that have a great sexual relationship will have less to argue about and the little thing usually will go away. If you are in a sexless marriage get help, sexual is natural, normal, healthy, and should be enjoyable!  With all the wonderful hormones released through mutual orgasm, it can be the glue that keeps the marriage together.  If find that your marriage has become sexless then do something about it before it is to late!

Intimacy counseling Thehappyspouse