When a man is naturally submissive in the bedroom

I had a session with a man who wanted to know how to become more dominant in the bedroom with his wife.  He stated that he had overwhelming fantasies of being told what to do by his wife, but he knew that she would never partake in this type of sex play.  He was struggling with maintaining an erection as well stating that his desire to be submissive to her and to only bring her pleasure was all her could think about.

I suggested to him a few exercises that him and his wife could do, so that he was not always the one having to initiate sex.

Another topic of discussion came up about the feelings he had about being submissive and that they were not likely to go away.  Most of the time if you are a true submissive that is your natural personality, in the bedroom.  Many times people try to deny there sexual preferences or fetishes making them more predominate than they need to be.

He explained that this was a true statement for him, as he tried to control his sexual desire to be submissive only to fall deeper into the fetish admitting that he had gone as far as seeking out a dominatrix to control him and punish him.  After seeing her he felt so guilty that it sent him into a spiral of denying himself any pleasure at all, and therefore unable to even get or maintain an erection with his wife.  Thus resulting in her not being pleased by him, and her crying to him that he was not attracted to her anymore.

What a mess!!!!

In the end after several sessions with him and then some couples intimacy counseling, we were able to fix their sex life.  When his wife was able to enjoy her sessions of controlling the sex play, she found out that she enjoyed it.  She was able to tell her husband what to do and how to please her, she began to feel more comfortable with their sex life and he was able to maintain a stronger longer erection.

My husband wants me to have sex with other men

This may be an eye opening title for many couples but there is a growing number of married couples who have ventured into the wold of cuckolding.  The term cuckold is very old and when applied to a situation it can vary between couples.  Usually it is the man who wants to have his wife involved in this type of relationship, but some of the time it is the woman.  This type of open relationship can be very exciting for some couples or for some destroy the marriage.

As a sex therapist (clinical sexologist) and relationship counselor I help people to navigate through relationship issues and come up with ways that both people can be happy in their marriage.  To partake in the cuckold relationship it is not just about the sex but more about the erotic psychological release that takes over the sexual situation.  It seems to go against our human nature to imagine our wife having sex with another man and getting enjoyment from watching it.

How does one get to the point where they find this to be an exciting part of their sex life?

Understanding why some men find the cuckolding marriage so exciting.
One running thread that I find as a therapist working with men and couples is the idea of the man pleasing his wife.  Many times the man may feel that he cannot physically please his wife because of erectile issues, penis size or the fact that he feels a lager penis is what she needs and he can't provide it.  He derives great pleasure from hearing that his wife has orgasms from this other man but she still fancies her husband as the main man she loves and adores.  One of the down falls of this set up or this type of relationship is if the wife actually starts to become emotionally connected to one of these men, then the whole idea of the husband being the man that she loves is destroyed.

In some marriage the cuckolding can be a very psychological type of sexual fetish so to speak, involving denial of the mans orgasm, punishment, and even humiliation.  When looking at the true psychology behind the sexual thrill of the cuckold experience from a man's perspective it can get quite complicated, as he delves deeper into his fantasies and fetishes.

In simplifying the nature of the relationship it is always best for the couple to set some boundaries and talk about what it may feel like to get involved in the cuckold life style.  One of the best ways to understand how it may feel or test the water, is to do simple role play just between the couple.  Acting out what it may feel like to have another person involved in the sexual act by using sex toys, videos and erotic role play is one way to test the waters without falling in head first.

For more information or questions concerning your relationship you can contact Dawn at dawnm42@gmail.com or leave your comment.

Are you missing the sexual intimacy in your marriage?

 

As a clinical sexologist, I work with couples on their intimate lives, rather than on the "marriage" meaning we look at the relationship from the core of sexual intimacy.  My belief as a counselor is that if couples have lost the intimacy in the marriage, then they basically are just roommates, partners or at best "just friends".  Sexual intimacy in a marriage is what makes it a "marriage"!  Most people would not have gotten into marriage to begin with if there was no sexual intimacy.

What is sexual intimacy? 

Sex is different than intimacy, people can preform the act of sex without it becoming an emotional experience, especially couples that have been with one another for some time and view sex as a chore, or have to get it over with.  Sexual intimacy is about bonding, making love, being connected to on another on a very personal level.  The term making love is still a wonderful way to talk about sexual intimacy, and that is being in the moment with your spouse as the two of you are having sex and emotionally connecting.

My work as a clinical sexologist is to help couples find the sexual intimacy in their marriage that they may have lost, forgotten, or perhaps never had.  I teach couples how to get to know each other on a deeper level, by exploring touch and intimate moments in a new way.  The program is set up for couples that are committed to working on the marriage and that is the sexual intimacy in the marriage.

I ask couples each week to do home assignments that involve getting to know each others bodies again in a non-threatening way, as well as to talk openly about the experience.  Each week we check in and talk about the experience.  The most wonderful part is that many times other areas of concern in the marriage go away, or the couple is able to talk more openly about the issues.  I call this type of counseling marriage therapy from the inside out.  Couples learn to love each other again, the marriage takes on a new flavor and the boning between the two is stronger as they get to know each other once again.

 

Enjoying sex in the moment

The art of being able to enjoy sex in the moment is one of the most difficult concepts for people to understand. One way to explain it in simpler terms is to compare it to a great movie; you let the movie take you over, not expecting, or wanting to get to the end. Enjoying sex in the moment also takes the pressure off of the experience. Pressure to perform in any sexual way can stop a person form having an orgasm.


As a professional sexologist and therapist, I have both men and women who have anxiety issues when it comes to having sex. People tend to view sex as a duty or a way to achieve orgasm instead of just the enjoyment of sex itself. The sexual intimacy that two people have during sex can be even better when the expectations are no longer there.


How to enjoy sex in the moment:

1. Don’t go into the sexual experience expecting an outcome.

2. Don’t make the sexual experience about the orgasm

3. Do focus your sexual attention on your partner the way they feel, look, ect.

4. Take the time to experience something new for yourself, change positions.

5. Look at sex as fun, enjoyment, an expression of sensuality and sexuality.

6. Introduce a new sex toy, new lubrication, body paint, or massage oil….add some flavor to the experience.



For more information on how to make sex better in your relationship visit The Happy Spouse.

How do I tell my wife that she is not pleasing me in bed?

What should a man do who is not satisfied with his sex life still loves his wife, doesn’t want to get a divorce but is thinking about having an affair. A husband needs to talk to his wife. This may seem like an obvious answer, but how does a man go about telling his wife that she just is not satisfying him sexually?

The reality of the situation is that many times she is not happy with the sex either. The best way to go about talking about sex with your spouse is to not do it in the bed room but when the two of you have some quite time alone. This way she is not put on the defensive and it is an open and positive discussion. You can even start off by asking her what she likes and what she may not like. Then the two of you can take turns going back and forth. If your wife is shy then ease her into the questioning and make it a few questions at a time within the week. Give her some time to think about it, if she needs it. When the two of you are ready then take it to the bedroom.

Continue to talk about sex while getting intimate with each other, asking if what you are doing feels good to her. Continue to take it slow and check in with each other and make sure that you are both comfortable with what is happening. This may take a few tries to get it right, but at least it will begin to open up the communication between you and your spouse regarding sex.  A great way to break the ice is to buy a sexy game, like truth or dare, poker, there are many sex games available.

Many times couples will have fantasies that they can share with each other, and act out. Some couples can buy books on different sexual positions, or try lubricants, massage oils or sex toys. The possibilities are endless when two people can feel comfortable and talk openly about sex with each other. For couples who just need a little guidance, talk to a sex therapist who is trained in clinical sexology they can help to open up the communications, make suggestions and home assignments for the couple to do together.  Feeling good about your sex life in marriage and pleasing each other will strengthen the bond between husband and wife!