Tuesday, September 3, 2013

I cheated on my wife should I tell her or not?

A man was seeking my professional help because he and his wife had been having some problems in their marriage, concerning their sex life.  He explained to me in our counseling session that he met a woman on a business trip at a bar and he ended up having sex with her.  He felt so bad about it and did not know how to tell his wife he had cheated.  Before he left on his trip he and his wife had gotten into an argument.  The arguing had been increasing in the marriage for over a year.  His wife was becoming less interested in sex to the point where if they had it at all it was once a month and it was beginning to feel like a chore.  He still loved his wife after 15 years of marriage but was feeling extremely rejected and lonely.

We spoke a little more about what may have changed in the marriage about a year ago?   He stated that nothing major had changed but that it did seem that his wife may be having some issues with moodiness, also complaining that during sex she was more dry and uncomfortable.  She was in her late forties and he mood swings were more noticeable.  As we talked more it seemed to me that his wife may be experiencing signs of menopause.

As I explained some of the symptoms to him, he agreed that perhaps she was and that a visit to her doctor may provide some answers.  We spoke more about his situation as far as cheating on his wife, and how the fighting leading up to it could have been avoided.  Solutions to marital problems never get better by going outside the marriage and cheating.  Telling his wife about his affair, was not going to resolve the problem either.  The marriage needed some attention, from both the husband and the wife.

After our session I suggested that he and his wife come back together for intimacy counseling so that they could get back on tract with the marriage. It was important as well to find out from his wife's perspective how she was feeling about the marriage.  She had been refusing to have sex with her husband for over a year, with occasional sexual contact maybe once a month, this was a problem.  She could be going through menopause, but also neglecting her husband instead of dealing with their marital problems was not the answer either.

The moral of this story is there are always two sides to a marriage, and being pro-active is the best solution before it is too late.  For this couple they were able to work through many of the problems with intimacy counseling and the assistance of balancing out her hormones with her doctor.  Both husband and wife did take responsibility of what was going on in the marriage.  If her husband at first had come out and told his wife that he had cheated on her it would have made the situation worse, they needed to figure out what lead up to the cheating and fix that in the marriage. 

No comments: