Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Understanding your sexual pattern before marriage

Sex is great because the relationship is new and exciting, the sexual pattern that they once had is now gone, or so they think!

Some individuals go into marriage thinking that their past sexual pattern or way of having sex somehow vanishes, that is because the sex is new and fun in the relationship  and that the past sexual pattern will not matter, but it does.  As we mature and stay with one sexual partner, or continue the same masturbation routine, it can become a sexual pattern that a person is not aware of.  For some this pattern may become boring to a partner or eventually stops working all together.

The most common scenario is that you are afraid to tell your spouse and eventually go behind their backs to fill the sexual desires with another person or on line pornography.  More often than not the latter happens in a marriage and the sexual pattern reveals itself after years of sex that is unfulfilling and unsatisfying. 
What is a sexual pattern?
This is the way a person goes about sexual pleasure in their lives and believe it or not most people have a certain way that they masturbate themselves to orgasm or a particular position in sex that brings them to climax.  The pattern can begin very early in life when a person first starts to masturbate.  Masturbation for a man will take on a particular rhythm and way that he brings himself to climax.  In some cases this will carry over to sex with a partner and he will get into the sexual position that he masturbates to.  With some men that sexual pattern can involve certain thoughts or even sexual fetishes.
 With a woman it may vary a little more but still her way of climaxing is usually when she can achieve that first orgasm and she knows that she can have it that way every time.  Women are more apt to using sex toys than men and in that sense she can change it up a bit with a new toy.  For women who climax in a certain sexual position she will most likely go back to that position with her partner each time to climax unless they can bring some sex play into the relationship and experiment with new techniques.
When this sexual pattern can be shared with a partner then the couple can explore the pattern together and come up with new ideas, positions ways of climaxing and so forth.  If the couple does not eventually share that sexual pattern or sexual prefers with a partner or try and explore new ways of bringing each other to orgasm the sex can get very boring.
One example of a sexual pattern that many of my male clients present in counseling.  Is there a "cure" claiming that they have a” sex addiction” but in reality it is just a sexual pattern, that they start to do when sex with their spouse becomes boring or non-existent.  The man after years of marriage or shortly after marriage, begins to sneak off to watch pron and can’t tell his wife about it.  The first thing I ask most men is “Was the pornography in your life before your spouse, or was that type of pornography that you watch a fantasy of yours before you met your spouse that you have not played out in your married” Often times the men will answer yes, that it was a part of their “sexual pattern” before marriage.  They just forgot to share that detail with their "spouse to be" and now have to sneak around to watch it, or if they get caught all of a sudden they now have a "porn addiction."
This is why talking about and understanding ones sexual pattern before marriage is so important, so that a person can share it with their "spouse to be" instead of having to hide it.

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