Thursday, April 28, 2011

I caught my husband watching porn

As a clinical sexologist and relationship counselor I have received many calls from women who have caught their husband watching porn on the computer. They would tell me that they ended up getting in a huge fight with him and now they think that he must be addicted and he needs my help.  After I have had them take a few deep breaths I try to explain things to them in a different light.

This is what I say!

"Put your immediate reactions aside and be smarter than your husband about this.  Just because your husband is watching porn does not mean that he does not love you, or think that you are not attractive, what it means is that he is either using it as stress release or he has some sexual fantasy that he is not able to share with you in the bedroom and is playing it out on his own.  Most of the husbands that are watching porn are not addicted, in fact very few really are "addicted"  it is just a very easy way to get off without the stress of performance, pleasing you, or as I stated living some fantasy that he cannot with you."

I then explain to them, 

"The best solution to this situation is not to freak out and shut your husband off, but instead pull up a chair next to him and see what he is watching.  Ask him about it, open the door for communication about what he likes about the porn.  Many times this in itself will be such a huge relief to your husband, whom for the most part would rather live his fantasy out with you or at least be open with you rather then hide it.  This may change the direction of the marriage with better lines of communication between the two of you.

What happens is the opposite affect with men, if a woman can go with the flow, he may let her into his sex life even more and feel that now he does not have to experience it alone or go out and cheat in the marriage. 

There is one thing that I can guarantee most women, and that is by shaming your husband or demanding that he stop watching the porn it will only make him hide and sneak even more. Make it an opportunity to grow in your marriage rather then a time to shut your husband down, be smart about it, pull up that chair and see what he is watching and how he is masturbating himself, take notes and practice in the bedroom next time, there is nothing like the real thing, be his wife but also be his lover!

For intimacy counseling with Dawn Michael visit The Happy Spouse
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