Bedroom Talk: Forgiveness

Forgiveness can be difficult because it usually deals with hurt feelings or feelings of being disrespected.  When a person can forgive themselves or others it can help heal a person and open them up to more positive experiences.  Forgiveness is not always easy, especially if there are years of built up resentment.  Taking small steps to forgive is a start and that is also a start to healing a relationship that has become one built on resentment rather than love.  Forgiving oneself is at the forefront of forgiving others and getting to the true nature of hurt or even feeling of guilt.  When we forgive it is allowing judgment of oneself and others to slowly go away and open the heart and mind to new ways of living a positive life.  Forgiveness can promote intimate feelings eventually leading to better sexual intimacy in the bedroom.

Bedroom Talk: The Romance of Candles

Managing Your Cuckold Sexual Fetish

He blurted out to me across the phone lines, “I want my wife to have sex with other men in front of me!”  That is how the conversation started between my new client Tom and I.  We talked on the phone for our 80-minute session, him being in New York and me in Sothern California while I got his sex history and more details about his current situation.  Being a clinical sexologist these are issues that I deal with on a regular basis. Tom being very serious goes on to say that he also wants his wife to dominate him sexually while he is made to watch other men please his wife.  He is open to humiliation as well as being flogged and made to get the other guy hard and ready to have sex with his wife.  As we speak, he continues to be so focused on his fetish that he has convinced himself that his wife truly desires it herself, but she is simply too shy to try it out. In our next session one week later we talk more about his fetish and his relationship with his wife, whom he has been married to for 8 years.   As I dig deeper into his sexual history and his relationship with his wife he reveals to me that he is having problems getting and maintaining an erection, and is not able to have intercourse with his wife, but pleases her in other ways.   This is something that has been going on throughout their marriage.

As we talk more about his sex history he also reveals to me that in his mid-twenties before meeting his wife he had a girlfriend that cheated on him for this same reason of having erectile dysfunction.  He stated that when he found out she cheated on him he was initially very hurt but then it became a turn on for him thinking about her with other men.  He then encouraged her to seek out other men for sex and then to come home and tell him about it after.  She did this for a few months but in the end she fell in love with one of the men and left him.  After that relationship ended he continued to watch porn delving deeper into his sexual fetish of cuckolding. A few years later he met his current wife.  He said that his wife was very sweet and had an open mind when it came to sex but he kept his fetish to himself for the first few years of their marriage and continued to watch cuckolding porn until his wife started questing his lack of sexual desire towards her.  At that point he told his wife about his fetish and they began to use that fantasy when engaging in sex and the frequency of sex with his wife improved.  Tom explained to me after that she enjoyed him talking about the fantasy but he started to get bored with just that and began to push her to try it out for real.   She told him that she was not interested in doing that, but he felt that if she just tried it she would love it.  This led him to believe that she indeed wanted to have sex with another guy, but needed to be pushed a little more into it, this went on for a few years until she started to get angry and did not want to have sex very often, that is when he decided to call me for counseling. 

As the counseling sessions continued with Tom he was planning on surprising his wife with a man when she came home and wanted to know if this was a good idea, to get her interested in having sex again.  I explained to him that he was on very shaky ground and we needed to evaluate what was fantasy and what was a real life situation.  As I began to explain to him that his fetish had become so familiar to him and ingrained in his mind that he was now projecting those feeling onto his wife.  When I asked him to share some of her responses with him, he said that she would say things like, “Why would you want me to have sex with other men?”, and “Is there something wrong with me?”, “Do you really love me, because if you did how could you see me have sex with another man?”  After going over her responses with him I got him to understand that perhaps he was projecting more onto his wife then he wanted to believe.   I suggested that she get involved in our counseling sessions so that the three of us could work together on improving the intimacy and their sex lives.  He agreed.  I worked with Tom and his wife and we were able to compromise as well as make their sex life more exciting for him by adding in role play, domination, and sex toys.  She was very open and wanted to be intimate with her husband but felt as though he was pushing her to have sex with other men and that was not something that she wanted to do.

She was open to my suggestions and had a sense of adventure, she was more than happy to expand her erotic boundaries and find new ways to have fun in the bedroom.  As Tom and his wife tried new positons and role play Tom was more satisfied with his sex life and not pushing his wife to bring another man into the bedroom.  He really enjoyed the new role play of her dominating him and it helped him to relax during sex and made it possible for him to achieve an erection and to enjoy intercourse.  His wife found much pleasure in dominating him as well.  He still watched porn on cuckolding but only once a week instead of everyday.

When a person has a sexual fetish it is a part of their sexuality and not something that a person can change about themselves.  What I help couples with is a way to manage their fetish and incorporate it into their relationship.  Trying to eliminate the fetish has proven to be unsuccessful.  The idea of managing a fetish is ultimately the best path to take but often has challenges with it.  Managing a fetish takes work as well as a commitment to change some behaviors that can lead to hurting their relationship.  Harm reduction in the relationship is the best possible solution to managing a sexual fetish and still being able to function sexually.

Some sexual fetishes can involve a sexual turn on that the other person in the relationship may not find attractive.  Case in point:  Scott came to me for help with his farting and pooping fetish.  He had only been married to his wife for 5 years and they had one child and another on the way.  He was very into farting and wanted his wife to fart on him.  He also got turned on by watching her poop and was fascinated at watching it come out.  It really turned him on but he knew that it did not turn his wife on at all.  Other than the sexual fetish being a problem in the marriage they had a great marriage.  As I talked to Scott about his fetish I also talked to his wife Melinda about it as well trying to have her understand his fascination with pooping and arousal.  I compared it to their 2-year-old son who was also fascinated by his poop as most 2 year olds are.  Once she was able to make some kind of connection she began to feel less disgusted with her husband and more open to him at least taking about it with her.  As we continued to work on the management of the sexual fetish she became open to farting on him and him being allowed to talk about his fantasy with her in more detail.  He also was not watching poop porn everyday but only once a week with his wife’s approval instead of hiding it from her.  She was not interested in pooping on him but by allowing him to talk about it he was able to get aroused during sex.

I urged them to continue to use fantasy and to have open communication about his sexual fetish and check back in with me from time to time.  As he is not able to stop his pooping fetish, he can change his behavior to manage it and compromise with his wife.  As some fetishes are more challenging than others time will tell if this couple will be able to work through this one.

For help with managing your fetish you can visit Dr. Dawn Michael at www.thehappyspouse.com

An evening with The Love Doctors

Do you have some burning questions that you want answered about your sexual health, dating or sex education?

Meet the LOVE doctors Dr. Dawn Michael board certified clinical sexologist and Abilio Ramos M.D. family practitioner, who will give a program on how to improve your overall sexual health and sex life. NO NEED TO FEEL SHY, all questions are put in a box and answered anonymously. This should be a fun and informative evening for all!!!!!

We will also be featuring the latest in couples, women's and mens sex toys by LELO! 

Join us or host your own event!

Brain sex the biggest sex organ in the body

Stimulate the mind, and the body will rise to the occasion.
This is a fact, mental stimulation surrounding sex is one way to increase desire, passion and eroticism.  For both men and women being able to tap into that part of the brain that is responsible for creating desire is not always so easy.  There is an art form to it that some people naturally have a gift for and others have to be comfortable learning how to do it.

Brain sex involves drawing the brain into the erotic process of teasing, stimulation from  the words themselves, tone and pace of the voice.  One way to understand the power of brain sex is to try it out on your partner and see their reaction.  Creating a scene or even talking about what you want to do to their bodies can be enough to get their juices flowing.
Stimulating words to start with can be as simple as:  Kissing, caressing, sucking, massaging, entering, releasing, rubbing.  "I want to kiss the back of your neck and rub your inner thighs".  "When I am touching your body I want to slowly enter you between your legs".  Teasing words such as, "when I see you next time I want to slowly caress your neck, back and then move down to your thighs".  Avoiding the typical words that most people would think evoke the mind but can actually turn it off if not done in the correct way, would be mentioning typical body parts.

There is also a difference in the way a man process the words than a woman does, for most women the teasing words that I mentioned above will entice her and activate her brain, for a man some more direct sentences will activate his mind.  A woman can tell her man that she is thinking about him being inside of her and thrusting deeply or for most men this is an even bigger turn on by saying "Just thinking about you is making me wet"  As you have noticed I have used no language in this article other than subtle phrases and words that the mind has to work to create the rest of the though process.
Did any of the words or phrases in this article turn you on?

Your New Years Resolution To Bring Sexual Intimacy Back To Your Marriage

Have you lost that intimate connection with your spouse?

You can get it back with sexual intimacy counseling and so much more. Be proactive in your marriage  this year with intimacy counseling. Dawn Michael MFT clinical sexologist and relationship counselor, will give you the tools to make your sex life more passionate, sexy, fun, intimate and sensual.

Her proven techniques have helped thousands of couples to not only improve their sex lives but their marriage as well. Let's face it, sex can get boring and routine in a marriage.  Don't let another year go by in your relationship, feeling hurt, unloved or not worthy of being loved.  What is marriage without the intimacy, just two people living together, because they made the commitment to be married.  You dont have to have a relationship like that any more, Dawn has the tools for you and your spouse to make it better.

Each week Dawn gives the couple home assignments to complete, they are fun, sensual and help to bring the couple closer together.  Learn how to break the chains of silence surrounging the sex in your marriage! For more information on Sexual Intimacy counseling visit The Happy Spouse, fill out the intake form and make an appointment.  Dawn is an international counselor and can do virtual counseling through skype or local counseling in her office.

Mention that you saw the add and get 25% off the first three 50 minute appointments.

 

Watching too much pornography can lead to unhealthy sexual patterns?

There is such a things as “too much of a good thing!”   Allow me to define a healthy amount of pornography and masturbation as opposed to over indulgence. 

As a clinical sexologist, I have helped many people understand the difference between porn addiction, over desensitization, sexual pattern, and how to manage their sex lives.  There is a direct correlation with watching pornography, masturbation, and developing a sexual pattern. 

Now if you plan on being alone for the rest of your life, no human contact or ever dating and having sex with another person then watching porn by yourself endlessly can be your partner.  Most people though like having a “real sex partner”, lover, marriage, relationship over” just a life time of solo masturbation.”

Let me break this down into simple terms, watching too much porn and masturbating the same way each time, is going to create a sexual pattern, and this is going to make “real sex” with a “real person” more difficult.  The problem mainly occurs with men but a fair share of women get hooked on their vibrators and the same sexual pattern can happen there as well.  The brain gets used to the continued pattern by which a person orgasms.  Continued masturbation in the same way each time sets up the pattern, when involved with a partner that pattern is hard to break, especially if it is done consistently and over a long period of time,

Solutions to this ever growing problem?

Change it up, and do it often…….. Changing your sexual pattern is important; if you masturbate a certain way try a different hand or new way to stimulate yourself.  Use your imagination to masturbate too, give all the outside stimulation a break and think about what feels good on your own.  Connecting the mind and body is important for both a man and women to understand how to think outside the box sexually.  I am not saying that you can’t have some outside stimulation, like a video, magazine or sex toy, but make it a once and a while “a treat” rather than the experience.  Don’t let you sexual pattern ruin your sex life!

Why does sex stop after marriage for some couples

Sexless marriage is on the rise, 50% of all marriages end in divorce and the remaining couples that do hang on more than half of them live in a sexless marriage.  

What is a sexless marriage? 

It can be defined as a marriage where the couple has little to no sex every month, or in several months. This is not due to an illness or sudden event but a natural rhythm that happens over time in a marriage.

There are a few main causes for  sexless marriage, but also some proactive solutions to prevent it.

Men and women both have equal sex drives, but at different times of the day and the month. A women's sex drive varies throughout the month with highs and lows depending on ovulation and menstruation.  Men vary throughout a day with their testosterone levels being the highest in the morning and then decreasing towards the evening.  As men age they also go through a gradual decline in testosterone and move into the quality of the sexual experience rather than the frequency. 

Men and women approach sex in different ways as well,  for women sexual intimacy starts outside the bedroom, whereas with most men they can move right into sex if turned on. When looking at sex in a marriage it is more than the act of intercourse, it is the act of sexual intimacy, two people sharing a special bond. Sexual intimacy is a feeling that goes along with sex and when the couple is sexually satisfied with each other they will also feel sexual intimacy. In a woman’s monthly cycle she will go through times when she is more sexually attracted to her mate, this is when a woman should approach her husband and initiate the sex. Part of the problem for many couples is that men are the ones expected to initiate the sex, but it should be equal.

For men because the level of testosterone is at its peak in the morning, sex in the morning instead of later at night may be a better time for couples. This is where couples often make a mistake in love making; sometimes morning sex is the best sex, especially after a long day for both a man and a women where the evening may be a time of sleep.  Once recharged in the morning it may be the perfect time for making love.  Romance at night can mean hot sex in the morning, have a sexy date night, a good nights rest and then  wake up to morning passion.

One main reason for sexless marriage is the concept that once married sex is a given, and it no longer takes work and that is a sad mistake. Keeping the sex exciting and not boring in marriage does take effort but make it fun, sexy, and erotic. Couples that have a great sexual relationship will have less to argue about and the little thing usually will go away. If you are in a sexless marriage get help, sexual is natural, normal, healthy, and should be enjoyable!  With all the wonderful hormones released through mutual orgasm, it can be the glue that keeps the marriage together.  If find that your marriage has become sexless then do something about it before it is to late!

Intimacy counseling Thehappyspouse

For information on Sex Therapy with Dawn Michael M.A. call (805) 732-7847 or visit her website. Dawn is an international Sex Therapist and relationship coach; she has been helping individuals and couples for years to create better intimacy in their lives. Dawn is also a Clinical Sexologist with information on sexual health issues, men's and women's sexual health and healing.

Mention article on Squidoo for 20% discount off on your first session.

How to improve sex in your relationship

Image via WikipediaAs a sex therapist helping people to improve sex in their relationship, I recommend that couples open the lines of communication surrounding sex.

Most people have no problem having sex or unsatisfactory sex, but have a problem discussing it. Talking about what one likes to their partner still seems a bit taboo. The sad part about all of this is that the sex continues to deteriorate and gets old and boring in many relationships. As humans we have sexual animal instincts as well as a hunger for variety. The human mind is complex and sex in the same position with the same person over time can become unfulfilled in any relationship.

Ideas on how to add some excitement back into the sex is being able to talk about each others fantasies, experimenting with sex and checking in with your partner as to what feels good or not. Another way to help improve sex is to make it fun and playful, adding role play, erotic stories, sex toys or adult DVD’s. One suggestion that I give couples is to go out on a date night to a sex shop together, and see if anything there  stimulates the imagination.

For more tips on how to improve sex you can set up an appointment at dawnmichael40@yahoo.com or call (805) 732-7847 Dawn Michael

Related articles

• Sex in the morning (thehappyspouse.blogspot.com)
• Women and Orgasm: Reasons why some women can't achieve orgasm during sex (thehappyspouse.blogspot.com)
• Women who want more sex in their relationship then their husband (thehappyspouse.blogspot.com)
• Reconnecting Couples Using Physical Intimacy (psychologytoday.com)

Finding solutions to your sexual problems in your relationship

One of the most difficult issues to talk about is sex in a relationship; most couples are not open with one another and get embarrassed to even broach the topic. 

Sexual needs get replaced with duty or sex that is less than fulfilling.  Many couples get into a routine where the intimacy in the marriage or relationship takes second to everything else that is going on.  As a sex and marriage counselor I often tell my clients that sex is not the act itself but how a couple can have deeper intimacy in the relationship. 

Looking at sex as an act that two people just have instead of a loving experience that the couple can enjoy tougher is part of the problem that many couples have. 

The way that many people view sex in a relationship is that..... it is part of the relationship but not a top priority.... and can be put aside for other issues or problems that may happen.  This is one of the biggest mistakes that can occur, because sex it the one area that the couple can connect with one another in a way that is personal and intimate.  The bonding that takes place through sexual intimacy is not only pleasurable but the body releases hormones that promote closeness.  The release of oxytocin and other hormones during orgasm is the same hormone released in the body when a mother gives birth and breast feeds, to promote attachment.

Taking the time to make sex in your relationship a priory and learning new ways to excite and please one another is a way to keep the intimacy and love growing over time.

Fireworks in your relationship

The fourth of July may be a fantastic way to view fireworks, but what about putting the fireworks back into a more than lack luster love life? 

Too many people in relationships, marriage have lost the fireworks in their sex life, and a few years down the line they wonder how it happened.  Life moves forward, things get busy, and the sex in the marriage takes a back seat!

Don't let another day pass you by without putting the fireworks back in your sex life:

Be proactive and make sex a priority!  .........If you don't take charge over the sex in your marriage and make it a part of your everyday life then the sex will slowly fade away over time.......

Yes!!!  Sex does take two people to engage in it and want it, but one person can change that pattern and priority of the sex in the relationship.  Make it a point to talk openly about what your expectations are for sex, intimacy, affection in the relationship.  Too many people get turned down for sex in a relationship and then instead of talking about it get angry, restful and shut down, this will only make matters worse.  Talking to each other about expectations and how to improve the overall sex, is a big part of any relationship.  Putting the fireworks back in a relationship only requires a spark!  If two people still have a sexual spark for one another then the passion can be rekindled.

Find ways to make the sex in your relationship exciting, fun, different, passionate, erotic and fulfilling..........

Ask Dawn Your sex counselor how to make sex more exciting!

When he does not want to have sex in the marriage

We often hear about the women not wanting to have sex in the marriage, but what happens when it is the man and he does not want to have sex with his wife. 

This is something that seems to be happening more and more in marriages today.  Woman and men are working equally ,raising the children together, and dividing the tasks in the household. 

When it comes to the sex in the marriage many men are experiencing erectile dysfunction, stress, and performance anxiety and not wanting to have sex with their wives but sometimes turning to other forms of sexual outlets.  The women on the other hand that are in the work place surrounded by men and not experiencing the sexual anxiety that men have but instead the sexual freedom that comes with financial independence, they are wanting to have more sex. 

The other thing that happens to  women that work with men is they are more apt to act like men in the work place to compete with men changing their attitudes to be more testosterone driven rather than feminine and this transfers over into the bedroom.

Out are the days of the masculine male and feminine female, it seems to be a shift to gender sameness, which affects men more in the bedroom than woman.  The one big problem is that for a woman who is going through this where she wants to be intimate with her husband and he doesn’t, it is socially embarrassing for a woman and much shame still surrounds it.  She will look upon herself as not being sexy or that something is wrong with her.

Men and women now a days are facing this out in the dating world as well, men are no longer the sole gender pursuing the woman for sex, but many women are looking for a man to have as a sex partner. Especially many women in their 40’s who are financially secure and are finding themselves with a high sex drive and not wanting to date older men but instead go for a younger man regardless of financial security.

The future of sex and a place where the lines of gender are becoming confused has just begun, more  women will be experiencing this in their marriage and relationships and more men will be experiencing, perform anxiety, and feeling as though the pursuing excitement and joy of a man being a man no longer exists.  The one big problem to this whole equation is that most women when having sex don’t want to be the one in control and very much like a man to still pursuer the sex in the marriage.

Understanding your sexual pattern before marriage

Sex is great because the relationship is new and exciting, the sexual pattern that they once had is now gone, or so they think!

Some individuals go into marriage thinking that their past sexual pattern or way of having sex somehow vanishes, that is because the sex is new and fun in the relationship  and that the past sexual pattern will not matter, but it does.  As we mature and stay with one sexual partner, or continue the same masturbation routine, it can become a sexual pattern that a person is not aware of.  For some this pattern may become boring to a partner or eventually stops working all together.

The most common scenario is that you are afraid to tell your spouse and eventually go behind their backs to fill the sexual desires with another person or on line pornography.  More often than not the latter happens in a marriage and the sexual pattern reveals itself after years of sex that is unfulfilling and unsatisfying. 

What is a sexual pattern?

This is the way a person goes about sexual pleasure in their lives and believe it or not most people have a certain way that they masturbate themselves to orgasm or a particular position in sex that brings them to climax.  The pattern can begin very early in life when a person first starts to masturbate.  Masturbation for a man will take on a particular rhythm and way that he brings himself to climax.  In some cases this will carry over to sex with a partner and he will get into the sexual position that he masturbates to.  With some men that sexual pattern can involve certain thoughts or even sexual fetishes.

 With a woman it may vary a little more but still her way of climaxing is usually when she can achieve that first orgasm and she knows that she can have it that way every time.  Women are more apt to using sex toys than men and in that sense she can change it up a bit with a new toy.  For women who climax in a certain sexual position she will most likely go back to that position with her partner each time to climax unless they can bring some sex play into the relationship and experiment with new techniques.

When this sexual pattern can be shared with a partner then the couple can explore the pattern together and come up with new ideas, positions ways of climaxing and so forth.  If the couple does not eventually share that sexual pattern or sexual prefers with a partner or try and explore new ways of bringing each other to orgasm the sex can get very boring.

One example of a sexual pattern that many of my male clients present in counseling.  Is there a "cure" claiming that they have a” sex addiction” but in reality it is just a sexual pattern, that they start to do when sex with their spouse becomes boring or non-existent.  The man after years of marriage or shortly after marriage, begins to sneak off to watch pron and can’t tell his wife about it.  The first thing I ask most men is “Was the pornography in your life before your spouse, or was that type of pornography that you watch a fantasy of yours before you met your spouse that you have not played out in your married” Often times the men will answer yes, that it was a part of their “sexual pattern” before marriage.  They just forgot to share that detail with their "spouse to be" and now have to sneak around to watch it, or if they get caught all of a sudden they now have a "porn addiction."

This is why talking about and understanding ones sexual pattern before marriage is so important, so that a person can share it with their "spouse to be" instead of having to hide it.

Understanding your sexual issues and what to do about them

So many people have some form of sexual problem at a point in their lives, but they don’t know who to talk to about them? 

This issue can be in a relationship, marriage or just personal sexual problems that keep an individual from living a healthy sex life. 

Whatever the issues are surrounding sexuality there is help and that can come in the form of seeing a sex counseloror sex coach.  Many times traditional types of therapy will not be the answer for sexual dysfunction.  A sex counselor or coach can be a person who is educated in therapy but also is taught about sexual health issues and human sexuality.

Human sexuality is extremely complex and the reason why, is that sex is a natural part of every human being, but in each person’s upbringing and in society that person is taught how to understand their sexuality, sex drive, and how it’s supposed to be looked upon as “normal” or right.  This is why a simple act of bringing pleasure to oneself can be made to feel shamed upon, looked down upon or told that they are somehow are unholy or not “normal”.

Sexual desire is squelched often times and people hide their true sexual self and this then creates numerous problems for them in relationships where intimacy is involved.  Having a healthy sexual view about oneself and healthy sexual expression to enjoy sex is a part of one’s simple pleasures in life.

As a sex counselor with my clients one of the first questions that a person asks is am I “normal” we talk about is their idea of shame and guilt surrounding their sexuality.  Then we go into some solutions and techniques involved in helping a person to get past their sexual issues and idea of what is normal or healthy for them sexually.  Sex coaching is a way to give information on sexuality and to solve sexual dysfunction in a relationship or a personal life.  One of the biggest mind shifts after seeing a sex counselor for many people is that their sexual issues were not being “normal” are put to rest and acceptance and understating can then take place.  Human sexuality in each person is unique and expressing it and that expression of it is personal to each and every person. 

Can sex in a marriage or a long term relationship be kinky?

When we hear about the word kinky and sex together it may make certain people grimace with fear, but the reality is that sex can be very erotic with a little kink added to it. 

For all of my followers who already know about my idea of sex and marriage this may not be so shocking to you, but for others who have just stumbled on to this one article, then give me a moment to explain. 

Kinky is not always a bad connotation it just means “out of the ordinary” and how can that be a bad thing when it comes to sex especially sex in a marriage or long term monogamous relationship. 

The term ordinary and sex after time defiantly make for some boring sex sessions with your spouse and we all know that with years of boring sex in marriage comes unhappiness and cheating.  So why not add some kink into the sex play and see how much fun the sex can be again in the marriage.  Kinky sex can be anything that is out of the ordinary, such as the introduction of a little bondage play, perhaps handcuff or ties. 

Spanking and whipping ones bottom can also be considered a little kinky, and if mastered in just the right way to give a small sting in the correct place on the butt, it can heighten the arousal and stimulate the genital area. One could also use a ball gauge in the mouth or a some sex toys that are not just vibrators but butt beads or anal plugs.  These things are actually considered mildly kinky to the real world of super kink, but that is not really what I am trying to get across here.

What I am saying is that couples should go outside of ordinary sex box in any long term monogamous relationship because it can be fun ,exciting and with a person that you love and trust.  Kinky adult movies are another form of erotic play.  Watching the move together as a couple can be exciting too.  The next time that you hear the word kinky sex take the time to understand that it just may be what the doctor ordered for an otherwise boring sex life...

For your kinky toys visit The Sexy Adult Store

Other articles by Dawn Michael

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The Importance of erotic sex play in marriage

I wanted to share my exciting weekend with you at the American Association of Sexuality Educators Counselor and Therapists sexcon conference.  At this conference were some of the leading sex therapists, medical doctors, sex counsels and educators in the nation giving lectures on their new books, studies and finding into human sexuality, mating, dating and marriage.

One of the lectures that I really enjoyed was by Dr. Stella Resnick and it was about erotic sex play in marriage and the importance of how as people we often times forget that part of play, is also sex play.  She talked in detail about the hormones and chemicals that are released in the brain when we can add the fun and joy of play into sex, and how it affects the nervous system.

One of the things that married couples often forget today is to be playful with each other sexually and how this can get the arousal started in the marriage again and then the desires will follow.  She touched upon kissing and how wet kissing and making out with your spouse outside of the bed room actually will stimulate the hormones in the body and that saliva has much sex producing properties when exchanged between lovers. 

She touched on erotic play as well; opening up to erotic play with your spouse and playing out your sexual fantasies together and how different chemicals are released in the brain as well.  As a marriage and sex counselor myself I often talk about erotic play with married couples suggesting that each couple have their own sexual tool box to turn to and add to throughout the marriage.  Many studies suggest that married couples that are the happiest together have the love, the friendship, and also a fun and healthy erotic sex life.

How to solve sexual problems in marriage

Marriage and Sex

For many couples at one point or another in their marriage they are going to experience some form of sexual problem or dissatisfaction.

This may take place shortly after the couple is married, after a child is born, from an illness, hormonal issues, lack of libido, or one partner just does not want to have sex. Solving sexual problems in a marriage can range from complex to quite simple.

How to resolve sexual problems in a marriage

The best way to resolve sexual problems in the marriage is to start with each spouse being honest and upfront with one another about how they feel. A good healthy sex life is one that both couples are happy with, that is what defines a good healthy sex life. Couples that are married, if they enjoy sex with their spouse, are healthy, active individuals, sex can be enjoyed several times a week if not every day. It really depends on the couple.

When trying to resolve a set amount of time for sex in the marriage sometimes it is best to come up with an agreement between husband and wife on what both feels comfortable with one another. The sex does not always have to involve intercourse; it can be just be pleasing one another through other forms of intimacy. This is important to understand, and that is intimacy and pleasing a spouse can be done in many different ways, hands, mouth, massage ect.

Once children become a part of the marriage, couples have to set time aside for themselves and their intimate lives, this may not sound so romantic or spontaneous, but if the couple does not make time for the sex in the marriage, they may end up not having one!

Having children can change the sex life in a marriage

Having children can be the most wonderful experience in a marriage, and also a time of adjustment in the marriage as well. The couple now is no longer just two, they share each other with the child but still have to make time for the marriage. The couples sex life will also change when a child is born.

A woman who is a new mom is going to need time to adjust to the situation and learn how to balance out her time between her husband and child. This is also the time when a husband needs to give his wife the support and time to do this and not approach her with sex until she is ready.

As a marriage and sex counselor I am very tough on many women about being intimate with their husbands and how important it is, and I am equally tough on the husbands who do not give their wives times to heal from pregnancy. Many husbands think that when the OBGYN has given their wife the green light that it is time to be sexual with their wife again. This is not the decision of the OBGYN but the woman herself and how she may feel.

Image by biblicone via Flickr

After three months, most woman should be more than ready to be sexual with their husbands, after three months if a woman is not wanting to be intimate with her husband, then she does need to get her hormones checked. Three months is more than enough time for a women with a normal pregnancy to heal and adjust.

A woman may also experience times when she really wants sex and other times when she can’t even think about it. Many times when a new mom is nursing her child she will experience difficulties wanting to be sexually active with her husband. If this situation goes on for too long and a woman has not found other ways to please her husband within that year period, a high incidence of infidelity can take place on many husbands parts, it just a fact (not all husbands but many will venture out after a year of no sex).

All of this can have a negative impact on the couple’s sex life and needs to be addressed. Seeking medical advice first to understand if there is a medical condition is the first step . For many women hormones can have a direct affect on ones libido and some hormone replacement or a good exercise routine can help to level out the hormones. There are also creams that women can use and lubricants for vaginal dryness.

The best advice when trying to solve sexual problems in a marriage is if one spouse is unwilling to talk about it or deal with the situation the other spouse has to talk to a professional about it. One person thorough technique and proper understanding can have the power to change the dynamics in the marriage.

Lack of sex, unfulfilled sex, not getting your needs met, having no intimacy can be a life of misery for many individuals in a marriage and it doesn’t have to be this way and shouldn’t have to be this way. Marriage can work once the problem is understood and finding the right person to help the couple work to become intimate again will help to save many marriages.

How do I tell my wife that she is not pleasing me in bed?

What should a man do who is not satisfied with his sex life still loves his wife, doesn’t want to get a divorce but is thinking about having an affair. A husband needs to talk to his wife. This may seem like an obvious answer, but how does a man go about telling his wife that she just is not satisfying him sexually?

The reality of the situation is that many times she is not happy with the sex either. The best way to go about talking about sex with your spouse is to not do it in the bed room but when the two of you have some quite time alone. This way she is not put on the defensive and it is an open and positive discussion. You can even start off by asking her what she likes and what she may not like. Then the two of you can take turns going back and forth. If your wife is shy then ease her into the questioning and make it a few questions at a time within the week. Give her some time to think about it, if she needs it. When the two of you are ready then take it to the bedroom.

Continue to talk about sex while getting intimate with each other, asking if what you are doing feels good to her. Continue to take it slow and check in with each other and make sure that you are both comfortable with what is happening. This may take a few tries to get it right, but at least it will begin to open up the communication between you and your spouse regarding sex.  A great way to break the ice is to buy a sexy game, like truth or dare, poker, there are many sex games available.

Many times couples will have fantasies that they can share with each other, and act out. Some couples can buy books on different sexual positions, or try lubricants, massage oils or sex toys. The possibilities are endless when two people can feel comfortable and talk openly about sex with each other. For couples who just need a little guidance, talk to a sex therapist who is trained in clinical sexology they can help to open up the communications, make suggestions and home assignments for the couple to do together.  Feeling good about your sex life in marriage and pleasing each other will strengthen the bond between husband and wife! 

Mind Sex and Seduction

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Mind sex can be very powerful in a marriage or relationship and the art of seduction for a husband to get his wife to desire and want him is part of mind sex.

What is mind sex?

Mind sex is about when it comes to a women's mind and body, many times men forget that a woman’s body is very connected to her mind.  In order for her to have an orgasm; she has to have her mind and body work together.

This is not the same for a men, as it is for a woman. Mind sex happens outside of the bed room and some men understand this and others do not. It is the area of seduction when a husband can use the mind sex to seduce his wife for greater enjoyment in their sex lives. The reason that most husbands don’t seduce their wives is they don’t know how to do it or that they are suppose to do it.

The best place for a husband to start is to go to a book store or on line and purchase an erotic novel. These books are a view into mind sex. Erotic novels are stories that are written to seduce the mind, and bring out the natural sexuality and get a woman into the mood, the story line entices her, drives her.

A short erotic story

I was sitting on the porch and the neighbor’s son came home for the weekend, he was a strong, in his early twenties, golden skin and blazing blue eyes.

He was home from college and his mom sent him over for some butter, I was home alone, my kids were at school and my husband was on another long business trip. As he walked in I noticed that his jeans were tight against his waste showing off his tight behind and the large bulged that was in the front of his pants. His arms were strong but not too big, his eyes were brilliant blue, but deep and serious, his smile was white and he had to large dimples on each side. When he came in I felt his presence, his eagerness, being so young and always ready to encounter new prospects at that age, I could feel his manliness. Our eyes met and he could see the longing in my eyes, he was not shy but confident and he asked me for the butter and as I walked to the refrigerator I could feel his eyes upon my round behind. I had always had a nice ass, and a slim waste. When I turned around he was closer to me, he must have sensed the willingness in my gaze, without words he gently pushed me against the wall and leaned in towards me, I could feel his manhood rubbing against me. He felt big in fact to big and it frightened me a little. He lifted my chin and looked into my eyes….

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• 20 Essential Works of Erotic Fiction (onlinecertificateprograms.org)
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