When he does not want to have sex in the marriage

We often hear about the women not wanting to have sex in the marriage, but what happens when it is the man and he does not want to have sex with his wife. 

This is something that seems to be happening more and more in marriages today.  Woman and men are working equally ,raising the children together, and dividing the tasks in the household. 

When it comes to the sex in the marriage many men are experiencing erectile dysfunction, stress, and performance anxiety and not wanting to have sex with their wives but sometimes turning to other forms of sexual outlets.  The women on the other hand that are in the work place surrounded by men and not experiencing the sexual anxiety that men have but instead the sexual freedom that comes with financial independence, they are wanting to have more sex. 

The other thing that happens to  women that work with men is they are more apt to act like men in the work place to compete with men changing their attitudes to be more testosterone driven rather than feminine and this transfers over into the bedroom.

Out are the days of the masculine male and feminine female, it seems to be a shift to gender sameness, which affects men more in the bedroom than woman.  The one big problem is that for a woman who is going through this where she wants to be intimate with her husband and he doesn’t, it is socially embarrassing for a woman and much shame still surrounds it.  She will look upon herself as not being sexy or that something is wrong with her.

Men and women now a days are facing this out in the dating world as well, men are no longer the sole gender pursuing the woman for sex, but many women are looking for a man to have as a sex partner. Especially many women in their 40’s who are financially secure and are finding themselves with a high sex drive and not wanting to date older men but instead go for a younger man regardless of financial security.

The future of sex and a place where the lines of gender are becoming confused has just begun, more  women will be experiencing this in their marriage and relationships and more men will be experiencing, perform anxiety, and feeling as though the pursuing excitement and joy of a man being a man no longer exists.  The one big problem to this whole equation is that most women when having sex don’t want to be the one in control and very much like a man to still pursuer the sex in the marriage.

Husbands that are good lovers knows their wife’s vagina is unique to her

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What man has not struck gold in his life when he can bring his wife to orgasm, he now has the golden tick or the secret love recipe.

The truth is that yes he may have found the sweet spot on his former girlfriend and brought her to orgasm but what he doesn’t know is that her vagina and its function is not going to be the same with his wife. Often times a man will use the same technique with his wife and find that he is not bringing her to orgasm and assume that something may be wrong with her when in fact he just needs to experiment a little more. The other factor that goes into the equation is that she may also thinks her husband’s knows what he is doing and many times will blame herself for not being able to orgasm.

We now have two people who love each other but are becoming frustrated with their sex lives. A woman’s vulva (vagina, clitoris, inner lips, and outer lips) is very different in each woman the way it looks and how she may get stimulated. Some women require more stimulation, some require less, some women like to have then entire vulva played with and others may like to focus on the clitoris and g-spot. Another point that is important is for a woman to also know about her own vagina and what feels good to her so that she can show her husband, and in the same token a husband has to be open to wanting to please his wife. The sole purpose if this article is to let a husband know that his wife may not be turned on in the same way that he may have turned pleased another woman on. This does not mean that he is not a good lover or that there is something wrong with his wife but to understand the fact that her vagina may be very different.
Oral sex is one of the most misunderstood areas of sexual stimulation from women to women. What may have brought one woman to orgasm screaming with pleasure; May actually over stimulate another women and cause her irritation or even pain. This is why for both a husband and wife understanding that different vaginas require different stimulation thorough communication and touching with one another will help to achieve better sex and better sexual intimacy in the marriage.
The solution to this problem is for a husband and wife to not assume that a past technique or experience is the answer to a woman’s orgasm but to take the time to know each woman’s vagina individually. The best way to get to know a woman vagina is to have her place her hand on her husband’s and show him what she likes, the pressure, the movement, the rhythm. The same goes for oral sex and intercourse, make it a game and ask questions, have fun with the experience and vaginal exploration. Take the time to get to know each other’s bodies, this may even be after 10 years of marriage because bodies also change with age and what may have worked 10 years ago no longer words now. Do change up the sex in marriage, don’t get into a routine, work on it and have fun with it that is the whole point of really having a great sexual experience with your spouse.

Related articles

• The story of a vagina and why it sometimes doesn't work do we really know why? (thehappyspouse.blogspot.com)
• The best way for a wife can to give her husband oral sex or "head" (thehappyspouse.blogspot.com)
• Couples using Sensate Focus too help with sexual problems in their marriage (thehappyspouse.blogspot.com)
• The shocking facts on masturbation in marriage on The Happy Spouse Adult Show (thehappyspouse.blogspot.com)

Erotic novel book review "Secrets" volume 10 by Dawn Michael

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Turn up the heat because this erotic novel is sizzling hot for women, couples and men. 
This is not a new novel but one that I sex counselor will recommend to my clients who may need a little help in spiceing up their sex life.  The book has four short stories in it and one of my favorites is the one call The Sacrifice by Kathryn Anne Doubois.  For any woman who needs to feel the desire again this is a wonderful book to heat up the passion in your own body.  The book can also be read to each other as a couple, including role play and teasing.

One expert form the book
"The Sacrifice"
The story is about Anastasia Bedovier a young lady who has taken vows of chastity to become a nun.  Before she denies her sensuality forever, she is taken to the Count Maxwells house of pleasure to test her strength of sexual desire.  She is shown scenes of lusty women with men and touched in places that no man has touched before, leaving her with thoughts and feeling that are of shame and pleasure mixed together.

To hear the chapter being read go to The Happy Spouse Adult Show blogtalkradio titled "mind sex"
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/thehappyspouse

To have your book read for review contact Dawn Michael dawn@thehappyspouse.com

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• How a woman can get her sexual desire back (thehappyspouse.blogspot.com)
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• Couples using Sensate Focus too help with sexual problems in their marriage (thehappyspouse.blogspot.com)

Couples using Sensate Focus too help with sexual problems in their marriage

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Masters and Johnson introduced Sensate focus or sensate focusing as a set of specific sexual exercises for couples aimed at increasing personal and interpersonal awareness of them and their partners needs. Each person is encouraged to focus on their own sexual awareness and sensation, rather than viewing getting to the orgasm as the sole goal, thus taking the pressure off of each individual in the sexual setting.


A sex counselor, sex therapist or sex coach will usually guide the timing and technique of the sensate focus helping the couple with the step by step process, then checking in from time to time for comments and experiences.

In the first stage, Maters and Johnson recommends wearing no clothe as long as no touching of the breast and genital or reaching orgasm is taken into play (and this is fine for many couples but in my version as a sex counselor and working with couples who have not touched each other affectionately in years, I recommend them to start first with clothe on and to simply hold hands again, kiss affectionately, rub each other’s back, and hug a few times in a day for a week to get used to the intimate affection again. Once they have done this then they can start with the first phase of the Sensate Focus.) In this first step or second step for some touch each other’s bodies but no genitals including breasts. The couples are encouraged to enjoy and become increasingly aware of the texture and qualities of their partner's skin and their own reaction to how it may feel.  Intercourse is not allowed at this point along with any focus on genitals. This stage of the exercise is really about the person doing the touching realizing what they may be feeling and it is not about pleasing their partner but more about just discovery.


The second stage or third depending on the first option is to increase the touching options, while still gathering information about each other’s bodies, no intercourse and touching of the genitals at this time. This is the stage where the couple uses the technique of placing their hand over their partner's hand in order to show what they find pleasurable in terms of pressure, length of time and motion. The goal in this stage is to still learn about each other’s bodies and also to lean about your on body. As a sex counselor I also recommend that each partner use masturbation if necessary before hand to figure out what they like so that they are able to show their partner, this is a big part of the learning process as well and that knows your own pleasure points and what stimulates you. For a woman who has never had an orgasm, learning to masturbate before hand by herself and bringing herself to orgasm will then give her the information about her own body to teach her partner about what she likes.

The next stage is a gradual process of genital stimulation and if the couple wants to try new experiences such as oral sex, lubrication and play around the perineum and anus area this is a good time to do that. Orgasm is never the focus in this process or any of the above exercises. Sensate Focus is also used as a tool for male and female sexual anxiety and male erectile dysfunction, performance anxiety in men, the obsession to focus on the penis can result in forms of erectile dysfunction, rapid ejaculation and anxiety. The job as a sex counselor is to encourage the man to forget about his penis, and forget about his partner's genitals, and instead concentrate on the sensual possibilities available and the experience itself without the feel of his own genitals and his partner's skin, hair, mouth, body, etc.


Contact with the penis is 'forbidden' and the only sexual contact that is 'allowed' is sessions of interaction with the partner during which only the non-penis aspects of sex are explored: Touching, talking, and kissing hugging, and so on. This includes not only touch but taste, sound and hearing, as partners are encouraged to talk to each other, to express how they feel and to encourage each other. (This is if the man has erectile dysfunction or performance anxiety) The focus is to have an appreciation of a whole new set of sensual possibilities, leading to a reduced focus on the penis and its tendency to be the male's main concern. Men often report an improvement in their sex life generally with less anxiety. As the man reports increasing awareness and attention paid to this holistic approach, the problem usually will go away with the male sexual dysfunction.

This works well for women too, not having to please their partner as the focus but to just have the focus on the moment instead of intercourse. Many women that are pre-orgasmic or have had very few orgasms with their husband during love making will be able to show their husband tools of foreplay thus allowing her mind and body to get into the mood.

The final stage is to work towards intercourse when both partners are ready and for each couple this may take a varied amount of time. In fact there are really no time limit associates or presented with these techniques, as that would place pressure on the aspect of the Sensate Focus which is counterproductive to the whole process. Some couples maneuver through this in three weeks where others it may take three months, the goal is to have a better sex life as a result of this exercise and that lasts a life time, so always keep that in mind.

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• 18 Best Sex Positions For Men & Women To Reach Orgasm Faster (sextisfaction.wordpress.com)
• For Women: 14 Days To Better Sex (sextisfaction.wordpress.com)
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The shocking facts on masturbation in marriage on The Happy Spouse Adult Show

When a person gets married does it mean that they are no longer suppose to masturbate or if they do, should it be kept a secret from their spouse?

These are a few of the questions that many people ask me as a sex counselor and marriage counselor. In fact these are the most commonly asked questions but not necessary the ones that people really want to know, those question are the ones we will be talking about. This week on The Happy Spouse Adult Show on blogtalkradio we will be openly talking about masturbation in marriage the good, the bad and the addicted.

The topics that will be discussed are:

Male masturbation through on line pornography sites, is it alright or out of control?

Masturbation to achieve orgasm.

Masturbation because of sexless marriage.

Different and unconventional ways that people masturbate (this you don’t want to miss).

Fears surrounding masturbation.

Couples masturbating together.

The positive aspects of masturbation in marriage.

The negative aspect of masturbation in marriage.

Sex products used for masturbation, dolls, vagina and ass, stokers, vibrators, and more.

For questions that you may want answered on the live show e-mail to dawn@thehappyspouse.com or tune in this Thursday March 17th at noon standard pacific time to blogtalkradio and call in with your questions 1 (805) 285-9800 or call in through Skype.

Have a happy day from your L.A sex counselor and marriage counselor Dawn Michael visits me at The Happy Spouse. For appointments with Dawn Michael go to http://www.thehappyspouse.com/

For Adult Lubrication and Sex Toys

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Men's sexual problems after a wife's infidelity, repairing a relationship after cheating

How to repair the relationship after my wife has cheated

I was asked by one of my readers on hubpages to answer this question

How to repair the sexual relationship after your wife's infidelity.


He also stated under the question: "it feels as if she's been "contaminated" by having sex with another man. And now sex with HER it seems repulsive also whether it's true or not, it feels like you are being compared to the other man while having sex." Asked by Smitty7

How to repair the sexual relationship after your wife's infidelity

A relationship expert and clinical sexologist this question hit on such an important topic that I wanted to answer it in more depth, explaining the psychology and biology involved.

We hear about men cheating and coming back to the marriage but we do not hear quite as often about what it feels like for a man to have his wife cheat and then come back to the marriage. There is a difference in how a man will view his wife after she has cheated that will differ from how a woman may see a husband. The main difference is really coded in our DNA, how we function as a man and a woman in society.

Most woman cheat on men for different reasons than when a man cheats on a woman, I wrote an article on this very subject. Reasons Why A Woman Cheats In The Marriage

When a woman cheats
Many times when a woman cheats she is not only cheating with her body but on a deeper more intimate level where feelings are involved, psychology and biology. A woman by nature of being a woman is much more emotional than a man and therefore that is part of the reason that she gets involved to begin with, because she is looking for that emotional connection and then it becomes physical. When a woman cheats as opposed to a man "she is allowing someone else to enter into her body" that statement is very powerful.

A man is still part of his DNA, biology, meaning that he wants his woman to be his and the underling factor here is that she allowed another man to enter her body and that was sacred to him that was his woman. Smitty7 used the words "contaminated" in his question which is exactly how a man would feel towards his his wife after being with another man "contaminated". This is not an uncommon feeling for a husband that has been cheated on. For Smitty7 to have sex with his wife after she had been with another man, he now feels like she is not his anymore, another male has marked his territory, biological. He also feels emasculated, to the point where he is now in competition with this other man on a subliminal level.

What Smitty7 asked in his question also was how to repair the sexual relationship after his wife's infidelity. The cheating on her part is a result of a breakdown in her marriage that she was addressing by going outside the marriage to fill the void. Going back to my other article again on "Reasons Why A Woman Cheats In The Marriage"

Why a woman cheats in a marriage there are different reasons, but the four most common reasons are:

1. She is lonely

2. She is not longer attracted to her spouse and is looking for some excitement, has fallen out of love

3. Her husband puts her down

4. The woman who needs to escape

5. The woman was the wrong choice to begin with. (not a good person)

Without understanding why the cheating happened in the first place, to even think about having sex with his wife should be put on hold until he has worked through:

1. Why she cheated in the marriage in the first place and resolves it.
2. Has she asked for forgiveness and made it clear that she is not longer involved with that person, emotionally or physically.
3. Can he forgive her and move forward in the marriage.

Can you forgive her? The last question is really important on many levels, if a husband can resolve the first two problems with his wife and they have worked through those two very important questions, can he now forgive her? Can he still see her as his woman?

If the answer is no then the marriage will not work.

If the answer is yes then they can begin to slowly repair the trust between them.

The conclusion of this very heartfelt question is for all married couples's men and woman, before you think of cheating on your spouse, talk to a professional about your marriage. Cheating is not the answer and it truly only complicates the situation even more and brings pain to the other person. A big thank-you to Smitty7 for asking this very brave question. Comments from readers

chinemeremz
Thanks Dawn, as a single young man, I know how I feel if my girlfriend cheats, then how will it be with a cheating wife. But the reasons women cheat can be very complicated, that if you even ask her why she did it, she'll be very fast to blame the Devil. In issues of relationship, when the trusts level recedes, getting back that relationship back on course can be very difficult: almost impossible if you ask me. But thanks for your indepth analysis on this very issue, and I believe that your advise can help mend fences and rebuild trust that is very important in any relationship.

Pamela99 Dawn, I;m sure this is a hub that will help people in this situation. You really explained things very well.

De Greek
You are such a knowledgeable girl that I take my hat off to you. One aspect to consider in this case is perhaps the endangerment to the male with regard to the extension of himself through breeding. If his woman is unfaithful, there is a danger that the offspring will not be his, therefore his line will be terminated. Very primitive, animalistic stuff :-))

dawnM
Hi Chinemerema, thanks for your comment and yes women in general are more complicated than men.

Hi pamela thank-you for reading and commenting, I wanted to help this person with his problem, so thank-you for for the compliment


Hi De Greek, I am happy to hear from you and your comment, a man being married himself. Yes you brought up another biological point and that is breeding which is also coded in our DNA as you said primitive. This is not something that we can erase as a society, it is a part of being a man. What touched me the most in his question to me was he used the word contaminated and I found that to be so powerful becasue in reality that is based in the biology of a man, and a woman would not use that word if her man cheated.....just wanted to point that difference out again. thank-you for adding that other important part to my hub....

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